Starting over…

Is not as scary as one may think. Actually, it can be pretty damn relieving. No attachments, because you’ve lost so much, you don’t feel there is much more to lose. Your old life is over. There will be no more birthdays and holidays like before. Just thinking about them makes me feel hollow. There are no more family events to look forward to. Sure, I have a brother and sister. Am I grateful for the family I still have? Of course. Don’t mistake my new start as a disregard for the family I still have. Yet, understand the losses I’ve incurred in the past five years have thankfully made me re-evaluate my life. I’ve needed this awakening. My soul needed to come to the surface again after years of being buried and stuck in a job and marriage that didn’t serve me. I now understand the suffering I’ve been through have served me. The events that happen in my life aren’t good, and they aren’t bad. They’re all my experiences. Mine. All of the beautiful sorrow and laughter. The crying and the reflecting. The times I felt I just wanted to die, have all added up to where I am now. I hold these life experiences dear to my heart. All of them. I am learning to define myself. Not by who my parents are or what they expect from me. They’re gone. That no longer matters. I don’t have anyone else’s expectations to live up to. The only person I have to answer to is myself. I realize my loneliness is a product of my disdain of humanity. I’m learning we always ALWAYS receive what we ask for. As I find myself muttering under my own breath, complaining about strangers being a bother. Aggregated and judging people. Being fearful of how I look to others, keeping my arms at length with my palm out and in front of me, blocking people. Blocking connections. No wonder why I don’t connect to people. Because deep down inside, there’s that fear. People are so complicated, and they hurt me. I’ve been disappointed so much in my life – By family, boyfriends, my husband and friends. Isn’t that part of life? Isn’t disappointment and suffering a part of life? You can’t have life without suffering. you don’t get to have it both ways. There needs to be balance. Because after all, if you didn’t experience suffering, you wouldn’t know what joy and happiness is. If you didn’t experience fear, you wouldn’t know what love is. If you don’t experience darkness, how can you know what light is? Over the past few months, I’ve learned to release my grip, to let go and to observe; to look at and examine my actions. How do I react when I’ve been rejected? Does it hurt? Yes. Do I take it personally? Yes. But I need to realize their rejection has nothing to do with me. I’m putting my ego into the equation. I’m making myself bigger than the whole story. What if others have their own demons and fears and problems? What if you just keep trying and you already know it’s how you make people feel that’s important. Why would I want to mirror my feelings onto the person that rejected me? This would just be perpetuating and putting out there into the world what hurt you. If you’re having a hard time understanding and dealing with a situation, don’t return the experience. Instead, look at it. Why did it hurt you? Do you know all of the details? This doesn’t mean you can’t express how you feel about an encounter or situation. Of course, speak your truth; but don’t hold it, breath it and live it. There’s no room for anything else if you’re gripping onto fear and worry. Look at it and release it. I’m learning to do this. And you know how? Just by learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and allowing myself to be imperfect. Owning myself. Taking ownership for everything I do and say and being okay. Learning to understand I deserve happiness and love. What’s even more difficult is for me to understand that I’m lovable. This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself, because I don’t ever like to make myself be a victim of my own circumstances, I like to learn and to look at every situation as an opportunity to learn or grow. I don’t know why I’ve felt this way, but I’m sure it stems from my childhood. I don’t remember much about the events of my childhood, but some do stand out. and this memory isn’t so much about an event that lead up to my feelings, but rather my feelings themselves. Sitting at the edge of my bed, my most recent self-realization that this is it. I’m on my own in this world. Holding something that was mine in my tiny hands, realizing while looking into my container of what use to be yogurt, finding at that very moment all the strength I’ll ever and always need for this lifetime. Harnessing that strength, I knew I would need it if I were to survive in this world. I learned early I was the only one in my family that felt. Feelings and emotions. Nobody was allowed to speak them, show them or share them. I suppose that first feeling of aloneness and emptiness stemmed from being shut out, shot down after an attempt to cry, speak or express myself. Self-expression was not something I was allowed to do, yet I’ve always been an incredibly sensitive person, this was always known for me. I’ve always been a survivor. I don’t envy people who are lighthearted any longer. I use to look down on myself and be embarrassed for how sensitive I am, but not anymore. I am proud of everything I am and who I’ve become. I’ve accepted the sucky things about me that aren’t always so nice, but they’re mine. It’s all mine, my experiences, my feelings, my soul and heart. I’m learning you can’t have love in your life if you’re afraid. people aren’t going to love you if you don’t love people. Life isn’t going to embrace you if you push it away. What makes you think you’re not going to be lonely anymore if you keep pushing people away? What are you afraid of? Hurt. Okay, you’ve been hurt, but move forward. Open yourself up again, because there are beautiful people and experiences in this world. You’re just now beginning a whole new chapter in your life. I know that the life I have now, this. This life right now is where I’ve always wanted to be. Looking back, I always use to look forward to the future. One day this, one day that. Well, that day is here. It’s arrived and it’s every day from here on out. I’m not pining for the future, because my future is here and now. It’s in the excitement of everyday, even if the day is vanilla. Everyday doesn’t need to be triple chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry on top to be fantastic. It’s the little things that add up to a beautiful day, even if it’s spent on the couch with my two dogs typing feverously on the computer misspelling almost every word of a document likely no one else will read. It’s alright. You know why? because everything is laid out before me. all of the tools I need to live my best life. I don’t need people or anyone else to define me. I don’t need to be accepted in order for me to be loved. Self-love starts here. and only when that’s present, you attract love. It will naturally come to you; you won’t even need to look for it. Your love will attract the light you so desperately are looking for. You don’t need to wish for anything. You have signs all around you and you have the insight to know what is before you, but be sure to keep your eyes and ears open. Your head held high and your feet pointing forward. Listen to the songs on the radio, listen to the voice of your heart. Your soul is strong and speaks to you, you just have to know how to listen. It’s in the gut, it’s the feeling you have when you’re content. When your full without having to drink and eat. The times you’re still hungry after you’re full, those are the times you’re disconnected. The disconnect comes from within. You didn’t get it from your mother, but you have it internally. Learn how to connect. Learn how to listen to your energy, your spirit and your angels. God and the universe are all around you. There’s so much to look forward to and so much love to behold. First, love and accept yourself, let others in, stop pushing out. Don’t be afraid. Okay, it’s okay to be afraid, because once you realize your feeling, you can then let it go. It’s actually the secret in learning how to grow. To embrace your fears, examine them and let them go. Understanding your fears is the only way to move past them. Because really, there’s nothing to fear. But you can’t go and tell everyone that, because they want to believe you, but they won’t. you need to experience life for yourself. You cannot expect anyone to learn from your experiences. We have freewill, thank God. We have choices and even when we don’t make a choice, we’ve made a decision.