I’d always been a ‘full of potential but chronic underachiever’ through out school. At various points in my education I was driven by pure anxiety to achieve good grades. At other points, I totally floundered, forgot assignments, was unable to focus and failed several classes. The feedback I inevitably got from teachers was ‘must try harder’. One teacher went so far as to shout at my parents that I was bone idle.
Yet I was permanently exhausted and overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to try harder yet I knew I had to.
I had terrible mood swings which would result in debilitating depression, an explosive temper and low self esteem which meant all of my relationships suffered.
I struggled to process conversations with multiple speakers, which meant I always ended up awkwardly silent in social groups.
By the time I reached my twenties I was burnt out. I was struggling to keep on top of my job with barely any energy left to do anything I enjoyed. I was miserable and my confidence was rock bottom. I relied on anxiety to fuel me through work but then I started having panic attacks.
A few years into a journey of healing and therapy, and a diagnosis of depression and anxiety, I stumbled across a Ted talk. This Ted talk discussed this woman’s struggle with ADHD from childhood into adulthood. Her life journey paralleled mine, spookily.
I reached out to my therapist and booked a diagnosis.
My diagnosis came with a mix of emotions. There was deep relief and validation. I wasn’t lazy or useless. I had ADHD. There was grief and anger.
Life began to shift. I began creating a work life balance more attainable for myself. By understanding more about how my brain worked I was able to make shifts in how I approached work.
There is no magic fix though. I still struggle daily with my memory, my emotions, my energy levels, my ability to focus and to get tasks done. I have encountered people who have misjudged my struggle to focus or remember as rudeness and lack of interest.
But the biggest change of all has been finally beginning to accept myself for who I am. Instead of shaming myself for my struggles, I’m learning compassion. I’m learning to give myself grace and rest days. I’m learning that short cuts are okay. If cooking and washing up feels too overwhelming, I can order another takeaway. If I’m having a low energy day I can do the bare minimum of work I need to and excel on my good days. When I lose things, forget important appointments, forget to do tasks it still causes problems, but I can practice being kind to myself.
And isn’t this what we all need? The gift of self acceptance and a little grace? We all have our struggles. Whether we have a diagnosis or not. We are all deserving of this self compassion.
Modern life teaches us that we are always expected to be thriving and achieving. And many of us are barely surviving. Most of us don’t have bosses or teachers who recognize our need to have off days. But we can begin, by honoring this for ourselves.