Yes. I said it.

And no, I don’t mean either narcissism or domestic violence is new.

What is new is how often the subject of narcissism is talked about in the last 5 years compared with years before. You can hardly escape it these days.

While some accusations of narcissism aren’t necessarily valid, there has been an explosion of communities, groups, and channels dedicated to those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse.

I know this because I’ve been a part of those groups myself due to my own relationship experiences. Subsequently I went on to help people in toxic and abusive relationships cope as a profession and learned even more about the characteristics of abuse.

What I’ve noticed is there is a strong overlap with narcissistic personality traits and domestic violence patterns. (By the way, I purposefully said traits instead of full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which must meet criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: D.S.M.)

Here are the nearly identical symptoms of narcissistic traits and domestic violence patterns:

• Tendency to push for quick involvement: Characterized by fast-paced beginnings. Being told you aren’t like anyone else / you’re their soulmate very early on, wanting to move in together quickly, etc.
• Fragile ego: Easily offended or insulted. Unable to handle even mild criticism without attacking, pouting, or stonewalling in response.
• Blames others (or you) for their bad behavior: Their mistakes are rarely if ever their fault. Inability to introspect. Lack of accountability.
• Cyclic Pattern: The domestic violence abuse cycle goes in four stages: Tension building (you know an explosion is coming), Incident (for example, a temper tantrum or lying), Reconciliation (a.k.a. love bombing), and the Calm (the period of time when everything seems okay, but the cycle starts again).
• Verbal abuse: Calling you names, telling you that you are worthless, weaponizing vulnerable things you’ve shared when angry.
• Impulsivity and reactiveness: Limited capacity to pause before reacting. Says and does reckless things without thinking it through.
• Vengeful: Punishes you in a variety of ways by giving the silent treatment, humiliating you (a.k.a smear campaign), threatening to exposes you or harm you in other ways.
• Short, sometimes frightening temper: Intense anger outbursts at times involving shouting, property damage, or even physical violence.

These are just some of the strongest similarities. So that’s what I mean when I say narcissism is the new domestic violence.

Those telling their stories of a narcissistic ex-partner, family member, work associate, or friend may very well be telling their story of abuse. In my work I see it as such more often than not.

Unfortunately domestic violence still has stigma attached to its victims. Maybe we just needed to call it another name in order to raise our voices about it. To keep talking about the damage it causes to our souls. To find community and talk to others who truly get it.

Some people are sick of hearing about narcissism. For me, I know what the real complaint is: Abuse.