I live in a messy mental world where there is no sense or reason, where life often feels like a lesson or a test, where peace is a gift not often received and where hardship resides and flourishes daily. I live in OCD and it is a war zone in here but it is silent to the outside world. Obsessive compulsive disorder is misunderstood, misrepresented  and just a miss to anyone who does not live in it. It is a silent torment but it is loud and fierce and can knock you to your feet.

I am a mother to an OCD child and the pain and suffering and hardship is overwhelming for me and sadly I can no longer show up to be the mother she needs. I have always been a present and engaged mother, always staying close and always letting her know that she was not alone. I think we are all alone now, we are not in a ship trying to survive these massive tidal waves but rather we are drowning in our own life raft that truly is no life raft. OCD has no mercy, has no emotions and truly behaves like a sociopath and we, the cohabitants only serving as vessels to help carry out rituals that seemingly serve to Assuage the patient.

In our case – myself and my young adult daughter, We are daily fighters against the raging war and destruction of a life lived in the trenches of OCD. There is a duality of emotions that live inside a mother of a child of OCD. I am both consumed by anger and sadness that are juxtaposed and create this oddity of love and war. Let me be clear, I love my daughter deeply, but I live in a perpetual state of anger and revolt as I try to remind myself that she is not her OCD ( something I have not mastered )

My deep sadness for her reminds me that no matter what I live with in the wake of her OcD it probably doesn’t touch her daily realities inside her prisoner brain. It hurts me deeply that I don’t show up to her with love,,kindness and compassion every element involved and in shortage within humanity. I struggle with my shortcomings but remind myself that my love for her exists in the continuity of my fight to keep her with me and survive this terrible time.

OCD obsessive compulsive disorder is so very misrepresented in the mainstream world. It is seen as a condition of order and perfectionism when in reality it is chaos, disorder and pandemonium with a fierce army of relentless ‘soldiers’ whose mission is a steadfast order to achieve compulsions set out by the brain in order to feel a sense of calm. Insanity prevails to those around my daughter but to her, she has found a second; a mili second of calm before the next compulsion hits her even harder. Her mind is in a constant state of battle and her body demonstrates it by her glossy eyes who show pain, hurt and at the same time removal as she disassociates in order to accept her daily tasks. To us, getting out of bed to brush our teeth and start our day is as simple as our daily breath but to my daughter it is daunting as she must overcome hundreds of cerebral obstacles to just reach the bathroom.

My daughter has contamination OCD which simply put – the whole world is a parasite to her and everything is dirty and scary. Her bedroom floor where she must place her feet upon rising is her first challenge to face the outside world – I am of course not accounting for the mental gymnastics that has taken place in her bed in order for her to settle enough to be able to sleep in her ‘contaminated’ bed – this will include rubbing alcohol on herself and her bed, covering her bed with clean bath towels everyday and sectioning her bed off with other clean towels to create barriers not allowing her body to touch the wood frame from her daybed. Then her day starts with throwing rubbing alcohol or some sort of sanitizer on her floor to allow her to step down off her bed. Her clothes have all been removed from her bedroom as they have been deemed contaminated so she will rise nude and leave her bedroom nude until she can reach for another bath towel to serve as her shield before reaching the bathroom which is then seen as yet another obstacle. The bathroom must be newly sanitized ( even tho it was done the previous evening ) the countertops must be covered in layers of soap, the toilet will also undergo deep sanitization and covering before use and a role of toilet paper will serve as her ‘safety’ net to get her through this process.

Her hands are deeply scared, red and pink scales of ripped skin protruding blood from the over wash and sanitization.  In place of her hands, she will use her feet to open water Taps, flush toilets and open all doors and cabinets. She prides herself on her feet’s dexterity and learned skills. Her morning routine is hell and she has only yet met the one challenge of waking in the morning to a new day. She will still have to go through thousands of daily obstacles before leaving the house to attend school.

There is nothing in her world that is not dirty and contaminated including the people in her life. I am dirty and her sister is dirty and her dog is certainly very dirty. We do not get to touch her, caress her or any kind of human touch. It saddens me beyond any comprehension and I want to  attack this OCD monster with all the power a fierce exhausted and loving mother has. Her food is not spared and is also contaminated if it comes in contact with other seen contaminants in the fridge.  Her Meals cannot be had at tables because they were once used by ppl who were contaminated or by a piece of clothing that touched it or my God anything that absolutely makes no Damn sense at all.

OCD has no logic and is irrational. My daughter eats her meals on the floor next to her dogs bowls. If I try to serve her food on ‘the wrong plate’ that day, the meal is garbage. She must access her own plates, Bowls, cutlery and cups and they must go through her own personal screening. In the kitchen, her feet do all the necessary tasks of opening cabinets, faucets, stove, fridge and the dishwasher. Let me not get started on paper towels, napkins or dish clothes as those are throw aways without even being soiled. Dish soap is a throw away too as nothing is ever truly clean. The laundry has been locked because letting her in means full laundry detergents will be emptied within 1-2 loads but let me explain how in my house clothes enter the washing machine for a full 40 min cycle only to be thrown in the dryer and then be considered contaminated again once fully dried and the cycle repeats itself back to washing the machine until I come along to break this insanity of a routine only to be screamed at aggressively and told that I make everything dirty. Everything that is taken for granted as being normal daily routines or actions is anything but that in the life of an OCD patient. My daughter’s bedroom is her only safe space and once she leaves it, she cannot return unless she has sanitized herself thoroughly in a 2 hour bathroom routine and shower. We should buy stocks in shampoo, toilet paper and soap companies as in my house, these regular items are abused and can never be kept in stock. A shampoo bottle lasts for 2 washes unless she comes in contact with a highly contaminated person at school and then it will barely cover one shower. Soaps, those become contaminated too after 1 body wash and a replacement is required for the next day. Toilet paper, there is no house that has a budget that high for toilet paper.

Life is madness. In my house daily kitchen and bathroom floods are all the norm and one must enter at your own risk as floods create ice rink like in bathrooms that if not entered cautiously, a slip is always in the works. As if Ocd has not infiltrated our lives enough, it must destroy all the things my daughter once loved like painting – it is now off limits because the paints purchased on a constant became contaminated because they were used during periods of time where she was friends with a girl that is now seen as extremely contaminated and so of course, all paints and canvases and brushes are deemed untouchable. OCD is expensive!

New coats, boots, tops, dresses, skirts, sweaters and all wearables become contaminated too and are never to be seen again and so winter coats cannot be worn and she insists on going without – boots, the same and runners become the new winter attire.

Leaving the house by car, well just the task of opening the front door and getting in the car is a full sanitization operation. The car must be fully sanitized prior to her setting foot in it and door handles can only be touched with dish towels that are then left in the back seat of the car as highly contaminated articles. Try taking a trip to a place she has deemed contaminated – you will be met with extreme reactions ( they feel like toddlers tantrums ) but worse if you insist you must go into that store. As example, Sobeys a typical grocery store ( inoffensive to anyone ) except her. I will spare the full explanation of the cause and effects that happen if I ‘break OCD rules’ and decide I must go into Sobeys. It is waging war and she is the relentless soldier. The stream of actions that are set against me thereafter are punitive and exhausting as of course I will not succumb to her OCD Dominion. Her sister and I will go through full interrogations of where we have been and who we have seen each day to establish our level of contamination upon entering our house. How can this be a life?