In good times and in bad, how much of ‘the other person’ is included in your experience and your conversations.  We tend to project our thoughts onto someone and then either give them credit for our happiness or responsibility for our distress.

When there is another person with you, are you truly hearing them and responding to what they are saying?  Or are you thinking things and responding to your thoughts as if they are actually true (and even what’s being said)?

Are you actually talking to yourself?

I am fairly certain that many, many people would argue they are talking to the other person, yet when I watch it and witness it, I would disagree.  Particularly, yet not limited to when there is some distress.  Or some amazing happiness.

Here are some examples:

You meet a new person, either just for friendship or more often when there is a possibility of partnership.  Things are going well.  You’ve had a good couple of conversations and are just delighted that this person could be the one!  Over and over I witness this in my practice.  Warnings are not heeded —“You can’t possibly know this person.  You are dreaming a dream and most of what you are basing your feelings on is in your imagination.”  It isn’t until months and months in, when you start navigating life together, making decisions, negotiating disagreements, when you are actually coming up against who the person really is.  You discover how they handle disappointment, conflict, what their big life vision is, and if you truly are a match.  This is when the excellent communication skills can make or break moving forward.  This is when truly seeing the other person for who they are and celebrating them, while showing up fully, owning and sharing your own truth and celebrating yourself is essential for navigating the perfect relationship given what you are discovering.

Often, you tend to want them to be who you thought they were so much you now pretend that they could be, ending up disappointed over and over, with only a vague awareness of why.  At that point, you have made agreements based on your imagination that are now difficult to find your way out of so resentment builds up.  Finally fast-forward just a bit longer, and you are so deeply in the relationship that you aren’t able to talk it through so resignation sets in.

It’s like they are on a pedestal, only waiting to be knocked down.  They go from ‘the best’ to ‘the worst’ without much connection to who they really are.  We don’t leave room for that discovery over time.  Most people aren’t able to see through the weeds of their projections and thoughts.

I have been listening to an Abraham Hicks guided meditation lately and the final words are:  “Feel appreciation for what is and eagerness for what is coming.”  This is what I encourage you to do when finding yourself in a new relationship.

How do you begin to be able to notice ‘what is’ with curiosity?

1.  Make eye contact.

2.  Ask more questions.  Note here.  When you ask questions, my advice is to wait for the response.  This is a place where the disconnect often happens.  People communicate at different paces, use different number of words to share what’s true for them.  We come from different backgrounds.  The same words mean something different to each of us.  Slow the communication game down and be mindful of these things.  Know that you will make meaning that is likely not true for the other and make time for asking more questions to address this tendency.

3.  Check in and let them know what you are hearing, offering an opportunity for them to nuance the differences between what they are trying to communicate and what you are hearing.

4.  Show up honestly.  If they are saying something that you don’t particularly like, notice if you are filing that away as ‘not true’?  Are you willing to share your concerns, right up front?  Again, with curiosity and care.  Are you able to stay present and thank them for their honesty (if honesty is important to you)?

5.  Be wiling to risk sharing what’s absolutely true for you right from the start.  I have written blogs on this in the past.

6.  Be willing to celebrate who this person actually is —even if who they are isn’t truly what you are hoping for in partnership or friendship.  Choose the actual right relationship for this person in your life, rather than try to ‘fit them in’ when there is a mismatch.  Ultimately that leads to years of disappointment and resentment and resignation.

From the other side of things.  Disappointment and resignation can set in for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways. I witness people trying to talk with each other, yet one or the other (or both) is/are so sure of the what the other person is going to say, that they miss what they are actually saying.   Sometimes they even say the words, I know you….and then say what they think in lieu of actually asking a real question and being curious about the answer.

It is pretty challenging then for the person being ‘asked’ something to have any real desire to respond, because they are either in defense, or understand that there is no room for them in the conversation.  The one person has both sides of the conversation fully covered.

While it is easy to write about, and easy to want to do make the shift, often it isn’t so easy to actually implement.  Which leaves people frustrated with themselves or with other people because change is happening so slowly.

It will help you to remember a few things:

1.  The distress you feel is likely linked to experiences you have had many years ago that are repeating in a way, so you need time and repetition for doing things another way.  You are literally re-wiring neural pathways and it takes practice doing something that your body chemistry is saying is dangerous.  It feels awkward at best and scary to make the shift.  In addition to be determined and committed to the shift, add compassion to the container of making changes.

2.  Offer the other person the same consideration.  You may be ‘over it’.  Or you have been waiting for so long, and of course, it may, in fact, be too little too late for a variety of reasons.  If this is true, then take the actions necessary for changing the relationship, rather than putting yourself and the other person in the pressure cooker of getting something right, when you really aren’t willing to offer the time/attention required for this change.  Once again being self-aware that this is what you are asking for (demanding) and responsible for your agreements.

Inviting the other person to the relationship offers a depth of care and intimacy that can be exquisite.  It often takes time and super-power communication skills to arrive here.  In my opinion it is worth the effort.