This fashion week, in the discussion around clothes, I have been listening to someone on the radio talk about how he as a Black person often feels the need to dress up and look “proper” around white people, so as not to appear threatening, to appear more respectable, and to be more relatable. Is that how pathetic we white people are, that we need to be made to feel comfortable like that? To be protected from the consequences of the actions that have harmed and disadvantaged Black folk? Unfortunately this may be true for some of us whites (and looking as presentable and as unthreatening as possible may be appropriate and safest for Black people in certain situations, sadly). But it’s also patronization, on the other foot.

Taking a closer look at myself, it makes me wonder about my aversion to looking “rich” as a white person – not just my reluctance to wear my diamond engagement ring or any expensive, attention-getting designer labels, but further, my dressing in an understated, even downright shabby, fashion. Fine not to want to flaunt one’s financial situation, but there’s also the part of me that doesn’t want to rub my white privilege in the face of the disadvantaged. And more than that, I realize I don’t want to appear “above than” and un-relatable. Don’t want to be seen as a threat. Don’t want to be identified with the oppressor, the upper class. Saying, look, I’m white but I’m really sorry for how easy I have it and how much harder you have it. I’m sorry for how poor your people may be (although not all Black people are poor, of course, many having somehow succeeded against the odds), after what my kind has done to your kind. I’m ashamed of that. I’m uncomfortable with my comfort in the face of your discomfort. And so because of it, I am going to dress as if I’m poor.

But really, when it comes down to it, I can’t deny I have an amazing life, with so much freedom and unlimited opportunities, and I am honestly happy not to be poor!! So, when I think about it, this is a sham on my part. This is really just me patronizing you Black folk! I’m doing you a disservice, thinking you’re not strong enough to handle seeing me looking upscale and well-heeled. In trying to be ‘apologetic and kind’ I’m really just trying to protect myself and make myself feel better. And worse, what I’m doing is perpetuating exactly what I wish to dispel! I don’t define you! Do I really believe you need me to be poor so you can feel better about yourself? (And not angry at me…? But maybe you’re more generous-spirited than I give you credit for.) You might be pissed off about being poor, if indeed you are, but might also feel totally fine about yourself. And even if you don’t, I’m just not that important to you. Yet here I am, giving myself so much importance!

And then, when I am dressed like this in the company of well-groomed and well-dressed, wealthy-looking Black people, I feel scrubby and ashamed of my appearance. How curious. Is this somehow satisfying a deep need in me to switch places – for the designer shoe to be on the other foot!? So that I can be exonerated! Then again, on the other hand perhaps it gives permission, makes it ok for me to have money and resources – because these Black people could be looking at me and thinking, “Hey, even with all her white privilege she hasn’t been able to make anything of herself – she’s got nothing to show for herself! And look at us, we are so shiny and fabulous!!” Haha! How pathetic I am. I mean, they’re going around in their gorgeous designer duds looking all that, and here I am doing penance in my sloppy Free People jeans and worn-out Birkenstocks.

So as a white person I’m dressing down around Black people, while there are Black people out there dressing up for my comfort as a white person!

Can we just imagine for a moment a world where we all accept each other, and ourselves, for our value as human beings, regardless of anyone’s skin color and financial or social status. How wonderful would that be! To that end I am resolving to stop hiding behind my sham/shame: to stand tall and strong in my own skin, white as it is, to wear whatever the heck I feel like, designer or not, and to use my resources to full advantage, including for the benefit of others and those less fortunate, focusing on activism that actually counts for something!