I slept for 12 hours, 5 nights in a row. I don’t think I’ve slept that much since I was a baby, and I have to tell you, I feel freaking fantastic. I debated if I should share that tidbit, as most people who have pets, kids, responsibilities, don’t have the luxury of uninterrupted rest. But I feel that it’s really important to mention this huge part of settling into my body.

In the hours I was awake, I ate 3-6 meals per day! I avoided sugar, dairy and anything processed. Sweet potatoes, chickpeas + venison made up most of the meals as I focused on foods that made me feel warm, full and hearty.

I had zero caffeine and only drank herbal teas, which kept me from getting jittery and running circles in the house. I drank more than my daily recommended amount of water every single day, which made my muscles feel sooo good! I also didn’t drink any alcohol (for those of you new here), so at no point did I feel slow, achy, sluggish, foggy or hungover.

I danced, practiced yoga, did 100 pull ups, and spent a significant amount of time on my balance board (training for tele turns lol), so instead of feeling stagnant, I felt stronger than I’ve been in years.

Step 1 was letting my body catch up. I was getting enough sleep, food, water and movement, and I wasn’t depleting any of my hard work with poison. It was super important that I moved from a place of nourishment and not stress.

Step 2 was imagining without limitation. This can be incredibly difficult for anyone, especially if you’ve been conditioned to find all the reasons why something can’t or won’t work. I started small. What do I want to create? How do I want to grow? What do I want to teach? How do I want to lead? I collected thoughts on scraps of notebook paper before organizing those desires into lists and adding other goals like travel, collaborations and material possessions.

What’s at the core? What do I want more than anything else? (a van to travel out of) What do I need to do to make that happen? (get my shit together) What are the small steps in each action (learn about fiscal responsibility + hire a cpa) and can I plan those out over the next 12 months? (financial books + podcast benchmarks to hit each month)

Then, I refined and asked the hard hitting questions. Do I have a strong desire to achieve something? (up until this point, I’ve just been surviving, so I’ve never considered it) What is my relationship with working hard + getting good results? (usually only when shit is hitting the fan) Do I have the ability to continue despite adverse conditions? (I’m still alive aren’t I? I would consider that a success *treats self*) What are the results I want? (to help women feel comfortable, safe, okay, beautiful, in control) What did I set out to accomplish in 2022 (get up off the floor) and did I do it? (sureee did!!)

In step 3 I expressed gratitude for redirection and reflected on every bad thing that happened in 2023, then found a silver lining.

I am grateful for my emergency trip to Florida that soothed my soul – the fountain of youth is down there somewhere and it will bring you home.

I am grateful I started therapy – it added more tools to my healing toolbox.

I am grateful for the wellness festival that changed my life, even though it cost me a fun river trip.

I am grateful for the time, space and freedom to star in a movie.

I am grateful for the horrible bangs that gave me the confidence needed to chop off all my hair.

I am grateful to be home alone now.

I came back to this list every day and added a little bit each time until the entire list took up a whole page.

Step 4: I envisioned my ideal daily life over the next 12 months. Everytime a voice popped into my head to say “that won’t work” or “you couldn’t possibly pull that off” I would write that belief down on a separate paper, and underneath I would disprove it. If I had any questions of how I would accomplish something, that went on another sheet and I would list out all the resources, ideas and action steps I could take. Once I had all the details scribbled out in what looked like madness in the moment, I started to reverse engineer my goals. If I want to host a retreat this spring, I need to finalize details now. If I wanted to write a book this summer, I needed to start pitching ideas now. If I wanted to shift my sessions from traditional massage to my signature breath, body + energy service AND support myself financially without any other income stream, I needed 600 sessions per year, 50 per month or about 12 per week.

How did I get that last number? I envisioned my goal revenue for 2023, then broke it up into every single stream of revenue I have. How many social media management clients would I need to reach my goal? How many affiliate programs would I need to manage? If I wanted to support myself solely by running retreats, what is the total number of people that would need to attend for me to make that goal?

I worked on this until I got bored, or confused or hungry and then I would read, paint, cook, dance or move. When my brain began to flood with more half ideas and thoughts, I would sit down to write once again.

Step 5 is the important ingredient in this “wtf just happened” recipe. At night, I would clean my space, take cbd, wash my face and head to bed. As soon as I was laying down with all the lights off, my mind began to wonder, “what was that noise? Was it a mouse or the person who broke into my home exactly one year ago coming back to finish the job??”. I noticed my body’s reaction to my minds story – pure f*cking stress. It’s been one year, I’m completely safe, why does it feel like I could have a panic attack? I decided to deal with all my unfelt emotions in that moment. Here’s exactly how I did that.

I began to intentionally breathe long, slow breaths from my belly. I allowed myself to fully feel the feeling, then I asked myself to identify it. This took some time, but I continued to breathe until the word “unsafe” came up.

It makes sense that I felt unsafe since my house was broken into, but this feeling was familiar long before last year. I started tracking my past. The feeling was familiar before the car accident at 16 that left me in a wheelchair for months and it was familiar before a boy raped me at a party when I was 15. Suddenly, a vivid memory flooded my mind; I couldn’t have been older than eight when my kayak flipped in whitewater. Unable to wet exit or roll, I was stuck underwater with nothing to do but count the seconds and hope that someone came to rescue me.

First of all, this is probably why I hate kayaking and feel intense anxiety every time I get into one (vs shredding bringing me joy). It’s also probably why I count every time I hear water running (filling a water bottle or peeing – yes I realize this is crazy). But more importantly, is the absolute release + relief I felt after I acknowledged that I have felt unsafe for the last 20 years; accepted that while I was in danger in that moment, I’m safe now; forgave myself for holding that tension for so many years; created a sense of calm; and loved every bit of myself.