Like most of my epiphanies, my latest one came from a deep conversation with a woman.

I have a date that I’m particularly excited about—nervous and excited—and I wanted some helpful advice or insights regarding my predicament.

The date is actually tomorrow.

The predicament is this:
I am going on a third date with a woman who we’ll call Anastasia. We’ve been in touch, almost exclusively through Instagram chats, every few months since our first date, almost two years ago.

Our first date wasn’t remarkable. She was on her way to do Kambo, a kind of frog medicine, and we met at my place for some tea (the non-magical kind). In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the best evening to meet up to get to know someone.

But her posts always turned me on… in all the ways. And when I recently won a bunch of free cruises (long story), I created a short list of women I could see myself taking, and she was on it.

So, I reached out and mentioned I was looking to take a woman on a cruise and wanted to see if she was interested, and to my surprise she said she was interested. And so that my intentions were 100% clear, I added, “romantic cruise,” and she said she was open to that, too.

Stop the trains. Hold the bus. Wait, what? My crush of the past two years was actually open to the idea?

I said, “Well, we should probably hang out again to check our connection before we decide to go on lockdown together in a small cabin as we cruise through the Caribbean.” I told her I’d like to take her out to dinner sometime.

Now, this was happening while I was sitting at a casino playing poker. And she said, “How about tonight?”

I felt the kundalini shooting up my spine to my third eye.
And down.

I said, “Let’s do it. But I’m playing poker right now. How about in an hour or so; let’s see if I can win our dinner.” She agreed. And when I had won enough to buy dinner, I texted and told her I was on my way.

So, this is all background to the predicament. The date was quite magical. And yet at the end of the night, even though we had danced close to each other, even pressing our faces against each other several times, there was no kiss at the end of the night. I didn’t really try, but I was open to it if the moment was there. It was not.

(Yes, I hear the “red flags” you all are sending me: magical for you maybe, but apparently not for her or you would definitely have gotten that kiss.)

Fine. I won’t try to convince you otherwise.

But I didn’t let that stop me from asking her out again, though she wasn’t able to make time to meet up.

(Your internal dialogue put on loud-speaker: Red flag #2)

Then, I found out Thievery Corporation, who I absolutely adore, would be rolling into town for a concert. I asked her if she would want to go with me. She said, “Absolutely! I love Thievery Corporation!”

(Ahhh, you nod your heads in unison, she wants him for the experiences he can provide her, but nothing more: Red flag #3)

I’m not too ashamed to admit that when I reached out to her about the cruise, I half-jokingly said, “I don’t mind if you use me for a free cruise!”

(Red flag #4: this guy is needy affffffff)

And you’re right! After two-plus sexless years, I am definitely needy for some intimacy in my life right now! Not just a little, but a lot.

Back to the predicament.

That date was about a month ago, and we haven’t met up since. I have been reaching out on IG, sending funny videos as well as asking her questions to find out where she was on her relationship journey, while at the same time reassuring her that I wasn’t trying to pressure her into anything on the relationship front. But I was starting to feel a bit frustrated because all the energy felt one-directional.

(Ya think?)

So, I decided to pull back. I wasn’t going to message her until the concert. And for about a week, that’s what I did. A couple of days ago I simply screen-shot the photo of our two tickets and just said, “Sunday at 7pm. I’m excited!” And she texted back that she was also excited.

I called my friend Trish because I was going through the evening of the concert in my head, and I was thinking that I shouldn’t offer to buy her drinks because I was worried that if I did the energy exchange would be too unbalanced.

I’m doing all the reaching out.
I brought up the possibility of taking her on a cruise.
I bought the tickets to the concert.

Me, me, me.

And Trish said, “Alex, your heart’s not open.”

Huh? I was stunned. What was she talking about? “Yes, it is!” I shot back.

“You’re scared to love,” she said.

Damn.

I couldn’t deny that she was at least partly right. Maybe I was. And here’s where she got me. She said that if my heart was open I wouldn’t be coming from an expectation or worried about the energy exchange.

I would just be and do from a place of wanting this woman “in my sphere”.

And if it worked out, it worked out. But that someone with an open heart wouldn’t be energetically stingy about buying drinks.

And then she told me her story about her now partner and how that relationship came to be. And how it involved a lot of persistence by him.

And that’s when it clicked for me!

I like spending time with Anastasia. And though you may believe she doesn’t have any interest in me romantically… I like spending time with Anastasia!

And perhaps she never will like me in that way, and perhaps our connection never gets intimate in the ways I’ve fantasized about (way too many times).

But here’s the thing. I’m now approaching giving to her from a different place: it’s not contingent on what she gives me in return or on a desired outcome; I’m just giving because it feels good.

Especially the idea of bringing her joy.
That brings me joy.

And now I feel free.
Free to be me at the concert tomorrow without worrying that I need to be a certain way for her to like me.
Free to buy her drinks without being concerned that it isn’t equitable.
Free from the weight of expectations (i.e., will she come back to my place after?).

I’m just going to be loving toward this woman.
And appreciate that for whatever reason, and in whatever capacity, she is choosing to spend some of her precious time with me.