What is love? What does love feel like? Can a person experience relationships without experiencing love before? How can someone be ok when a relationship ends? How can someone move on so quickly to another person? He’s hers now? Wasn’t he mine?

These questions, along with a million others have been roaming in my brain for this past week. My brain physically hurts with all of this thinking. I feel lost. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like a big part of me has just disappeared, with no warning or heads up….just nothing.

I miss the feeling that I used to get when I would go up to him running, waiting for his lips to touch mine, and then my cheek, then my forehead and then a thousand more kisses on my face. The annoying feeling I used to get after, but I used to just suck it up because it used to make him happy, and if he was happy, I was. The feeling of being suffocated by his hug because it had been almost a week since I’ve seen him, or maybe even just a day but I used to miss his touch so much that my body craved it. All I wanted was his touch all over my body, because when I was with him, I felt seen, I felt loved, I forgot all my problems even existed because in that moment nothing else mattered, not even if the world was burning down, it would matter. I missed the feeling of late night calls, where we used to talk about the most randomest shit, usually because it would be 2 in the morning but having him just right on the other side of the screen doing even the simplest thing amazed me, made me fall for him even more.

But now…Now he is with another person, he is enjoying all of those things that he enjoyed with me and maybe even more with her. Now she is the one that goes up running to him, she is the one that gets attacked with kisses now, she is the one that gets suffocated with his hugs, she is the one that misses him all week, she is the one that gets to experience his touch all over her body the same touch with the same hands that have touch me just a few weeks ago, and now she is the one that get to be mesmerised by his way of living, while on call.

Why did he leave? If we had problems, wasn’t that the right time to try and fix the problems? Did he fall out of love with me? And if he did, how did he fall out so fast? Or was I just not important to him? Was I just a rebound? Did he just use me? Because to be honest I feel used, I feel disgusted by him. Why would I ever let someone use me? Wasn’t it clear enough because looking back at the relationship we had it’s clear as day.

I opened up to him, I told him about a lot of shit. Shit that ‘last year me’ wouldn’t even imagine sharing about. Isn’t that what boys like, us sharing and opening about our past and us. I mean it was 1 of the reasons why my other relationship didn’t work. He wanted to know more and I just couldn’t bare the idea of someone else knowing about my past.

Am I a horrible person? I mean I couldn’t even make 2 relationships work, how the fuck can I make another one work?

Maybe if I had put more effort in the relationship, he would still be here…here with me. Maybe he would be spending his time with me, not her.

It feels wrong to go on dates with other people, it’s supposed to be him on the other side of the restaurant table, not some other random guy that I had met a few days ago. A guy that doesn’t know shit about me. A guy who I need to explain everything about me again to him. It was supposed to be him that walked me to my bus, not the new guy. It was supposed to be him kissing me goodbye and thanking me for the wonderful night we had. It was supposed to be him.

But now all that matters is that he’s happy right? That’s all that matters, because if you love someone enough, you would be ready to let them go. As much as it hurts, that another girl gets to spend that little time that I used to get with him, or that another girl gets to sit on his lap and kisses him, or that another girl gets to go on dates with him, I need to move on. I need to work on myself, learn how to unlove him and maybe in the near future when I know that he is happy and I’m in a stable mental state, I can learn to love someone else again.