There is a riff in a good chunk of my important relationships right now. Because I am the common denominator, I decided to look within for what has changed.

What I’ve learned in the last year is that we are a product of our thoughts. Our thoughts dictate the feelings that drive our actions which result in our current reality. If you want to change your reality, you have to go deeper and change your thoughts, specifically how you speak to yourself. This is a shift that no one can see and takes time to solidify.

The very first love letter I wrote, over a year ago, was titled “I am not a writer (and other lies I’ve told myself)”. The general idea of the letter was that I believed I couldn’t do something, and instead of holding onto that belief, I disproved it by practicing and building my confidence. If I wanted to be a writer, the first step was shifting my mindset and believing in myself. Since then, I’ve disproved other truths I’ve held onto for most of my life; I’m not a slut, I’m a sensually liberated woman. I’m not a terrible driver, I drive 30k miles per year through snow, ice and mountain roads crawling with deer (shit happens). I’m not lazy, I refuse to do work that doesn’t light my soul on fire. I’m not bad with money, I just believed that if I didn’t spend my money frivolously, it would be taken from me. While that belief was true when I formed it as a kid, it’s not true now.

While I was busy shifting my beliefs and changing how I spoke to myself, I wasn’t communicating this change to the people closest to me. I want a support system that believes in me as much as I do. I want a support system that doesn’t lash out and say hurtful things to bring me down.

Here’s the thing about communication – I’m not great at it. I know, I should disprove this belief by practicing.

I had a prolific dream that my child self was watching my parents fight (perhaps a real memory, but I’m not sure). One parent was yelling, manipulating and bullying without wavering until they got their way. The other parent was completely ignoring the conflict until it was unbearable and they eventually gave in to the yelling. While my child self watched this dream, my higher self floated down, tapped me on the shoulder and said “this isn’t how you communicate. You need to find a better way.” I will admit that while it shook me, in the 8 months since I’ve had that dream, I’ve done zero work to improve my communication skills.

A few weeks ago, I had my usual meeting with my astrologist, @thecosmicpassport. She told me that we were entering Aquarius season, which focuses on communication, and suggested I try communicating in a new way. Despite my best efforts to remain calm and collected, my attempts at communicating thus far have COMPLETELY blown up in my face, so I will try another way.

To the women in my life that I am currently disconnected with, this love letter is to you.

Thank you for all that you have taught me. I am immensely grateful for your time, energy and space. I have leaned against you for support so much in my lifetime and I acknowledge that I wouldn’t be where I am today without your love. I want to believe in you. I want you to believe in me. I want to work through our differences. I have no idea how, but I would like to. Currently, how you speak to me and how I speak to me do not line up, so I have backed up and created space.

I hope these words help you better understand my actions and create a safe space to continue communicating our differences.