I could barely sleep last night.  Once again, I’ve been woken up to your pain.  This pain apparent to you the moment you realize you are awake.  You wear this pain like your morning robe, sash tied around you in a snug grip.  This burden of pain, I willingly, without exception, carry for you over and over, year after year, day after day.  Just when I thought I might take a holiday, a vacation, some time off, I can’t.  Don’t you think I’ve earned it?  Don’t you think I need a break from another loss?  That is impossible though because loss has a way of stacking up on you.  Life provides a regular, abundant supply of loss, especially the older you get.  I understand.  I’m every age you have ever been.  I walk a parallel life with you, carrying said losses, you the master and I the servant.  I am at your beckon call ready when you should need a companion to walk with.  Do you notice me?  At times, I think it’s easy to feel my presence and I know you give in.  Other times, I’m impossible to be with so I get pushed aside, but I never leave.  I wait patiently, returning to you when the time of processing is right.  Time after time, I get up from the arena of life, face marred with dirt, caked with mud, exhausted. The bags and dark circles under my eyes are hideous and too ugly to have anyone lay their eyes upon me.  I’m overweight, out of shape and perpetually fatigued because I never ever seem to rest.  My only purpose has been to companion you along this journey of life.  I anxiously wait in the wings, a member of your pit crew, ready to sweep in and respond to life’s experiences and losses.  I leave no regard for myself or my own well-being, it’s all and always about you.  I take your blows, I witness your wails, I hold your anger, I wail with you dear one.  I know I am unwelcomed most of the time.  I feel the push upon my back by you as you try to hurry me along, I know I can be difficult to be with.  I know I’m mostly not wanted, and yet I stay.  I try again and again to be helpful.  What would it be like, dear one, if you just turned your eyes toward me?  What would you hear if you stopped long enough to listen?  I have much to offer.  I have much to say.  There are wise lessons that I come to give.  I can never tell you how long I will be here when I show up.  I can’t promise you a process or even give you a format as to how our time will evolve together.  I can just be as I am.  I know I’m hideous to look at sometimes.  I know it’s like the grim reaper showing up at your doorstep.  I know all of this, and I still return because you need me.  You need me to process pain.  You need me to carry the load of despair when it’s too heavy for you to carry on your own.  You need me to hold you, rub your head and rock you as you cry endlessly with snots running down your face.  You need me to witness the rage and anger as you scream, swear, and ask questions of why.  You need me darling, let me in.  You see, I’m not actually separate from you.  I belong to you because I am part of both the wisest truth within you and the reptilian, ancient protector of your nervous system ready to do whatever you need to feel safe.  I love you with a fierceness.  I don’t mind that you have negative feelings toward me, I can carry that too.  I’m used to that.  I understand.  Let me rock you a little longer, I have more to give.  Listen as I make your life’s moments more tender.  Watch as you become more mindful of your lover’s eyes.  Let me cradle you in the quiet presence when things seem still.  Allow me sit with you when you don’t realize that I’m still around.  Be patient when out of the blue, I remind you of my presence and support when I see you sliding into the deepest of despair.  This is me turning you toward love.  You see, I’m the creator, the sustainer, and the destroyer.  You are the same, together we co-create.  You create experiences of love, joy, contentment, and happiness.  You work hard, sweetheart, to nurture and navigate your precious experiences while trying to sustain and drink from the beautiful nectar of life.  Then, to no fault of your own, inherent in every person, relationship and experience, inevitable loss occurs.  You don’t create the loss; you experience the loss because you created something so wonderful.  It cannot be avoided, everything we love, we eventually lose.  Here’s where I come in.  If you let me, I create the conditions for this grieving process.  This is what I know how to do.  I help tear down all that is false, illusory, and unnecessary.  I sit with you in the wreckage, offering a reckoning of all that is trivial and unimportant.  I offer you a love revolution, a forceable overthrow of what you thought was truth; making way for a new system of being, of loving.  This is the sustaining part, the hardest part.  In this place of truth and love, I ask for patience and trust from you, just sit with me, be with me and let me do my thing.  After all is said and done, I am here to turn you toward love.  Eventually, when the time comes, the acute process will feel less painful, and I will help you learn to live with your loss.  The acute grief will end, this I promise you but only if you give into the process that I know best.  Please don’t rush our union, let our time together baptize you into something new.  I will be the master and you the servant.  In this role reversal, you will begin to heal.  Surrender to me, let me wash this process over you like a waterfall of remembrance and blessing.  I will show you memories, experiences and remind you of things that will bring you through on the catamaran of love.  Don’t look away, look toward me.  Take my hand, let’s co-create this process.  You and I are together for life, a union both revered and resisted.  Both, and.  Non-duality at its core.  Trust me, accept me, I get it, I’ve got you, I love you.

Love,
-Grief