Last week I locked myself out of my cell phone after I obsessively checked for updates. If you have ever done this you know you need to reset the apple phone and as a result, lose your data and you are back at square one. This sounded hopeful after all I had just transferred my pics. When I went to set up the phone I realized I didn’t recall the actual password for my phone, not the one to get into the phone the one for my identification. Long story short I had to message apple and now I am waiting for the recovery code. Waiting is painful and going without a cell phone made the time drag on. Honestly the week was hellish and I went through a withdrawal the side effects were agitation and a feeling of panic.

Reflecting back on when I first obtained a smart device I realize that tons of things have happened in my life since the original. At first, I was against these devices and really leary of owning one. My father encouraged and so with some help I bought my first device and had him walk me through it. Since that first phone, there have been so many changes in my life births, new jobs and deaths. My Father who usually helped me with my technological struggles is no longer on this earth and when I am having a tech crisis I really feel the loss. I yearned to call him this week. The loss of my phone triggered grief and then I also had waves of self-doubt and fear this was panic. I thought to myself how is anyone going to let me know they are at the hospital and dying then I told myself ” Renee you work in the hospital”. You can have a laugh here I know I did however that fear is real we all want and need to be connected. I am the one that everyone calls when they need help and here I was feeling small and alone while working a busy stressful job.

Since the start of the Pandemic, I have become dependent on my smartphone device. We have a relationship all on our own. Living solo during a global pandemic messaging and facetime has allowed me to stay connected and when I can’t sleep I know a meditation is a fingertip away. Writing and publishing creative pieces the updates and ” congrats you are published messages have given me gushes of dopamine which help and inspire. Social media and making music and learning are always within reach with a smartphone. Solitary walks and dinners are never alone with a smartphone. Writing when away is not an issue with a smart device. The little phone computer I so dreaded along with mineral water are now things I can not live without. No I will not be going back to flip phones.

Here it is the big confession ” I am addicted to my phone”. There you have it. This sudden break has been devastating. I can not live without a phone. I can, however, make some changes and I plan to do this once I get mine back into full working order. The first thing I will do is use it mindfully and have periods of time when I put it away. I will have a no cell phone rule for the bedroom and my bedtime will include a smartphone shut down a couple of hours prior to sleep. My frantic checking is what caused me to get locked out. Going without the phone has been hard however I am slowly starting to relax and this is a positive. My usage was out of this world and a full-time job in itself. I can finally laugh at the events of this week and know I am not alone in this cell phone addiction. The recovery will be hard but within my reach. If this resonates know that you are not alone.