There is a belief that we have three great loves in our life, this belief can be substantiated by searching this on the internet and you will be inundated with pages of articles about our three great loves. Each carries a different reason, lesson, time in life with it with the idea that the final of the three is the right one. Through my twenties I would try to figure out which of my relationships was which love of course ending with the one I would have been currently on as being the third one, making it the right one. Then the relationship I was in at the time would end and I was again perplexed at this theory of three loves. Flash forward to my early to mid thirties, in the middle of a tumultuous relationship (and that’s putting it lightly) I was directed toward a very well respected female french astrologer and tarot card reader to have my natal chart read. Guess what came up in the plethora of information I received…yep, three great loves. I thought the universe has a great sense of humor but okay maybe this time I’m on the third.

Jokes on me, wrong again

I recorded the session with the astrologer so I could write it down later and I must have poured over this reading so many times in the last few years comparing my notes to the life I have had since then to see what has lined up, always stopping at the three loves part. I’m three and a half years past that reading currently, and while sitting in a taxi in France scrolling social media I came across a post that made me have an epiphany on this theory. Not every love was a love, most were attachments. Whoa…

My first thought was why did it take me 36 years to get to this realization and yes this made so much sense. Let me set the record straight, I am not a serial dater and there isn’t a mass accumulation of relationships. I strive for quality over quantity, but there were definitely more than three, which was where my confusion was. Now I was finally able to go back and start re-labeling those early relationships for what they really were, the majority of which was some sort of attachment.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had my first love, the young love or naive love as I like to call it. I know who he was and I know I believed we were meant to be, I was convinced that this was it for me and there would never be anything else. Guess what, I was wrong, and boy am I glad I was. He was most definitely not for me and we would not have lasted or been happy, it was not a fairytale and when I look back at it without the rose colored glasses I can see it for what it was. It wasn’t perfect, far from it. It was lies to myself that this was what love was supposed to be, that we would work through it, destiny was on our side. In reality I put up with more than I should have and allowed my boundaries to be crossed while I stood by like a good silent girl because I didn’t want to speak up and run him off. Well, I should have run him off but then again I wouldn’t have the lesson and experience of the first love. He lasted multiple years, some of that was on and off, he never changed.

After him there was an attachment followed by what I believe would be my second love. However I think the two of these bled into each other regarding the lessons. I say this because the second love is dramatic, painful and full of lessons. It’s where you figure out what you want in a relationship, what you won’t settle for and what puts you on the path to what would be your final love of the three loves. The second love can be a painful cycle of lies, deceit and manipulation and this is why I think they bled into each other because they were a cycle. While I am thankful for the lessons that I learned in this part I don’t look back fondly upon these men. To me they were only there to serve a purpose and now their brief chapters in my life story are complete and behind me. I rarely speak of them because to admit out loud to the things that I tolerated during this time is hard for me to hear with my own ears, much less do I like sharing it with others.  I did come out on the other side stronger and more aware. Not to sugarcoat this part, it took a little over 5 years to work my way through this cycle of this second love. Those years were painful, depressing and miserable. There were nights I sat on the floor in my apartment crying so hard I couldn’t pick myself up and days I laid in bed just wishing to wake up and it would all just be a bad dream. It wasn’t a dream but it is five years that I can look back on with proof that I can survive and its five years of working on myself and working to heal the parts of me that needed to be ready to have the right person come into my life. Five years of learning what I want in a partner and exactly how I deserve to be treated and five years of learning about red flags.

I don’t believe at this point I am far enough into my story to comment on the third and final love. I also have a large superstition about not writing about the current love in my life. But I know that this third love is supposed to be the easy, unexpected one. It is supposed to teach you how to give and receive love. It knocks you off our feet and it just fits and shakes you to your core. And boy am I ready…

As a good friend of mine says, “More to be revealed”.