Sherri Rosen interviews the author, Ruth Poniarski, author of “Journey of The Self”
Sherri Rosen:
When did you start becoming aware of concerns related to your mental illness? What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
Ruth Poniarski:
In the year 1977, at a college party, I innocently ingested angel dust (pcp) baked in a brownie cake, given to me by a male friend, who conspired to be intimate with me. Since I was already compromised by smoking marijuana heavily in my sophomore year, 1975, which caused me to be paranoid and passive, I experienced my first death defying nervous breakdown (psychotic episode). I hallucinated, rested for an hour, and finally departed my male friend’s apartment. I got in my car and frantically drove to the New York State Thruway, abandoned my car, and walked 12 miles south on the shoulder of the highway. I was desperate, imagining that there was a revolution taking place between the socialists and the capitalists and people were leaving the earth in spaceships.I hitched a ride back to the college town and to my apartment. I had to abort the college semester and return home with my father, when I had my first session with a psychiatrist.
Sherri Rosen:
Do you believe the ingestion of angel dust was the direct cause of your illness?
Ruth Poniarski:
I have a very creative mind, and at the time in 1977, I was experiencing low self esteem, paranoia, anxiety, and depression; a residual state of mind and being caused by smoking pot heavily in 1975. The angel dust tipped me over the edge of rational thinking and a pattern of psychosis developed.
Sherri Rosen:
What has your treatment consisted of?
Ruth Poniarski:
Initially I was treated with therapy and an anti-psychotic medication, Thorazine, back in 1977. The psychiatrist was not effective as he was truly Freudian and did not verbally offer insight and common sense in my unstable life, consisting of breaking down every 6 months to a year. Low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy and being unacceptable plagued my tortured existence.The doctor caused a rift between my parents and myself, as he believed I should resolve my issues alone and be independent which was isolating for I was not open with my friends, fearing that they would not accept me, if they learned of my cyclic malady.
Sherri Rosen:
What happened in an episode?
Ruth Poniarski:
I am deeply distressed from a social situation. For example, in 1984, I had a major episode caused from participating in a psychological workshop which was confrontational and severe anxiety provoking. I had not slept for 7 days, imagining that my apartment neighbors were going to kill me. I had to escape, so I tied bedsheets together to form a rope, and use it to rappel down a 30 foot wall. As I climbed out of the window, holding the rope, which was anchored to the kitchen table steel post, the gravity pulling me down was enormous. In seconds I planned how I would fall, to roll to my side when I impacted the pavement. I blacked out upon hitting the ground. I was hospitalized for 2 months, had 12 hours of surgery to mend my broken back and ankles, not knowing if I would ever walk again.
Sherri Rosen:
What have you found that works well for you?
Ruth Poniarski:
Following my accident in 1984, I found the right psychiatrist, George. He was a Quaker and veteran of World War ll. He included my parents in therapy sessions, incorporated common sense, and informed me of the KISS principle; ‘keep it simple stupid’ meaning, reduce the unnecessary stimulus in my life. George shared essays that he wrote on how to eat properly, develop a sleep regimen, investing money, establishing positive relationships, and so forth. He was very optimistic that my life would improve. He instilled ‘hands on’ common sense.
Sherri Rosen:
How did you change your life under the care of an effective psychiatrist?
Ruth Poniarski:
I made my life a lot simpler. Until 1984, I pursued a ‘stressful’ degree in architecture, engaged in too many acquaintances and friends, moved to Manhattan at the same time commencing in a new college that I transferred to, traveled to Europe alone, employed in a male dominated field without a mentor or direction, and so forth. I was involved with too many activities and too many people, too much stimulus. Under the care of George, I slowed down. He instructed me not to put ‘bunions’ (obstacles) in my head, and not to obsess about life 30 years ahead and being abandoned in a war torn world, all of which was part of a pattern of irrational thought, causing my cyclic breakdowns, compounded by extreme insomnia and paranoia, reacting from my hypersensitivity to my social environment.
Sherri Rosen:
How are things going for you now?
Ruth Poniarski:
In 1988, I turned to painting in lieu of architecture, as George suggested. Through this creative medium, I focused and channeled my imagination, incorporating facets of art history, literature, philosophy, myths, daily culture, into my surreal paintings. From 1987-2010 I experienced 4 major episodes and was hospitalized each time. A doctor in the hospital prescribed Zyprexa, an anti-psychotic which proved to be very effective and my existence greatly improved.
Sherri Rosen:
What would you say to encourage others who are working on their journey of recovery?
Ruth Poniarski:
Writing my memoir, ‘Journey of the Self’ helped me to see my pattern of pychosis objectively; looking at myself from a distance. I strongly recommend to my fellow sufferers to keep a journal, strive to recognize one’s pattern of coping with stress, experiment until you find the right medicine, actively search for the most effective therapist, consciously develop a support system, never ever give up. George always said, “Take the load lightly” and “The best therapy is outside of therapy”.
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