Building Back Your Marriage 

In 2004 I married the man of my dreams. As cliché as it may seem, I have to call it like it was. We were best friends. We never used the word soul mate because that wasn’t our style but best friend was accurate. Now nearly 20 years later, two kids and a mortgage, I can say we lost our way a little.

Two years ago things just took a turn. He had a heart attack at a young age and we began building a healthier lifestyle for ourselves and our kids. We focused on our bodies and minds, and making sure we would prevent another heart attack. And we were close. We were mid pandemic and dealing with this health scare but we were doing okay. Life throws traumatic situations your way sometimes and you find yourself growing, changing evolving.

So what happened? How could we have spent the past year barely speaking? Not sharing a bed? No touching. Forehead kisses remain and a hug before he left the house. But, the passion, it was gone. The friendly banter we used to do so well, now felt truly hurtful. We only talked when necessary, each of us escaping into our own virtual reality once the day was winding down. The kids were there. They were fun. We enjoyed them, but what happened?

Over the weekend my husband and I spent the day holed up in a room by ourselves. We had begun fighting again earlier and no matter how much we tried we just couldn’t avoid the big blow out we were due to have. Tensions had reached their max level and it was go time.

Three hours of tears and frustrations and hugs and just total honesty. We either make things work or we call it quits. But 20 years is just too long of a time to just pack it up and move on. So we make a plan. We put it into action and we try. We fight for our relationship. We fight for our happily ever after and we fight for our family.

Our plan to move forward and fight:

BE HONEST. What things are really feeling off in your relationship? List them. Don’t hold back because why should you? This is it. When it’s that serious you lay everything on the line. You say exactly what needs to be said, every single word that might feel uncomfortable or petty, you say them. They need to be said to make change.

• LISTEN:  It sounds simple and silly, but really listen to them. When your partner is telling you their worries, their emotions, you listen. You listen and you wait. You do not answer just to answer, you think. You don’t rush your response to be the good guy here and say what you think they want to hear. You really listen and see things from all sides. You acknowledge what you can and cannot change and you address every issue. This might take time. We still aren’t completely done with this but we have a good start.

• DATE: We haven’t gone out in months. And when we did it was with the kids. Now we are setting aside time to do family dates and just us dates. And in between on the nights when there is no one going out and we are a family of four holed up in the house. Our “date” is to sit and really talk to each other. Ask about our days, our dreams, our goals…whatever. Sit with a cup of whatever you want and just talk. Doesn’t have to be a long talk but take time to see and hear each other.
• REALIZE IT WILL TAKE TIME AND EFFORT:  I wanted the argument to be over and done with and us making up that night. But it didn’t go that way. Instead we fought, talked, fought some more, cried, hugged, laughed and talked even more. We only came out of the room because we were hungry. But before we opened the door we both said, it wasn’t resolved, but we resolved to do the work, to put in the time, to make changes that will help move us forward. Make changes that will push us towards our happily ever after not into divorce.

• REMEMBER WE ARE FRIENDS AND PARTNERS. For us, this was a big one. We had lost hold of our friendship. We lost our mutual hobbies and we lost that connection where we wanted to talk and discuss life with each other. So it is important for us to remember we are friends and friends always try to make things work. Even if it seems rough and bumpy we know smoother roads are ahead if we just hang on to our friendship.