When beginning a conversation about trauma, it is important to trust the person we are confiding in. Also, not to have any expectations for how the conversation will go or how they will react.

Talking about trauma can be difficult for both parties. It is crucial to understand that there is no correct way to go about this conversation. The only requirement is to communicate and listen openly and honestly. Enter the conversation knowing that each person responds to trauma differently, and what is traumatic for one may not be traumatic to someone else.

As someone who has endured years of trauma, these are things I experience and others do too, but trauma responses change from person to person. Many people experience these behaviors and feelings but not everyone.

1. We hear you when you say you love us completely. We know this deep down. We know you want the best for us but it is tough to trust and believe it fully, especially in times of hardship. As victims of trauma, we never received truthful and unconditional love, sometimes not even as children. We have been accustomed to conditional love, therefore, when unconditional and healthy love comes our way it is extremely difficult to believe that is there for us and is staying.

2. We know and love that you want to talk to us, listen to us, and truly hear what we are saying. You want us to be able to communicate our needs and wants. But sometimes we feel that reaching out, calling you out of the blue, or asking for something is bothersome or a nuisance. We may know deep down that this isn’t the case but we do still feel this way because that is how our love and connections were treated. It is a default reaction to conditional love. If what we wanted wasn’t part of their conditions we did not receive that love so we learned to quiet those needs and wants.

3. We have wavering self-esteem and self-confidence. There are times when we feel utterly worthless and then egotistical. We rarely have a consistent positive opinion of ourselves, it changes frequently. Our self-image is greatly dependent on how well we live up to our own unrealistic standards; truly taking “we are our own worst critics” to heart and upholding it with a heavy hand. This stems from never knowing what to expect from the person causing the trauma. One day the relationship could be all love and support but the next is armed words and fists that branded our brains. The feeling of being uncomfortable and unsettled in that relationship is or was transferred to how we feel about ourselves daily.

4. Trusting our hearts in your hands takes daily hard work and is very difficult. We want to trust you fully and be able to give all of ourselves to you, give you the unconditional love and trust you provide for us. But we grew up around a constant state of chaos, disorder, and mistrust. Therefore, when stable and calm relationships are present, it’s hard to trust them. For us, quiet meant unpredictable patterns, not stability. So us questioning stability and trust, is not us questioning you, it’s our way of trying to predict new stable relationships.

5. We need a lot of reassurance about the relationship and how you feel about us. Reassuring actions and words do wonders. You might think we know how you feel about us but hearing straight-forward “I want you in my life” or  “I love you” or “ I am grateful to have you in my life” or “I love having you around, you are amazing” or all of the above. What someone needs to be reassured about changes, so as your partner what they might need reassurance for. We need to be able to re-confirm the facts we have in our head about the relationship and your feelings towards us. Sometimes those facts get blurry and lost, especially when times get rough and we are in a messy headspace. Reassurance is not the lack of love or support. It boils down to them not trusting or believing that they are worthy of the unconditional and stable love they crave.

6. This is true for me and is true for a lot of other people, but not everyone who has experienced trauma. My love language is spending time together, but my default trauma response is to self-isolate and hide because even if asked for that support, I didn’t receive it and was forced to depend on myself for it. I really crave that love, connection, and support in hard times but have no idea how to ask for it nor how to not retreat.

7. We have triggers. Some we might unaware of. It could be a smell, taste, feeling, word, or sound that triggers a feeling or thought that occurred while the trauma was being endured. These triggers bring us back to the moment we felt it, even if it was years ago and a forgotten memory. Unlocked memories are very difficult to process and understand because we are not experiencing the trauma anymore but feel as if we are. We need ways to be grounded back into reality. As if our mind is in a constant state of war.

8. We may have questions about everything, not necessarily to question you or the relationship, simply out of curiosity and reassurance. Questions help us to understand the territory we are in, especially if it is new and not believed. For me at least, I was never able to understand the relationships that traumatized me or the person who was causing the abuse; so for me, asking questions to me being safe and trusting this relationship enough to ask everything I’m unsure or curious about.

9. Lastly, it is important to understand and value both parties’ feelings and responses. Responses to trauma and reactions to hearing trauma are not a reflection of their relationship with you nor how much they value you. These responses follow a traumatic experience that does not involve you.

Remember that everyone heals differently. Sometimes people who are recovering and processing trauma need a hand to hold them while they deep dive into healing.

A relationship with someone who has unresolved trauma is difficult and may not follow a conventional relationship path but if it’s strong then love will find a way.

Love will fill in the gaps and heals.

Love heals all.