I remember when I first saw him. He was beautiful. I was instantly laser focussed on him, just him, nothing else, all him. He was casually sat in a chair surrounded by females of all ages. He did nothing but sit back and shine in the attention with a sexy off-tone of arrogance about him. This is what attracted me, the no effort, the aloof confidence that he would centre any room, subconsciously I was drawn to this attachment of reject me reject me, but of course he didn’t and then it started.

Imbibed with the dutch courage of Smirnoff I later approached him , I wouldn’t say he was friendly, but somehow we swapped numbers. He returned to his home and the following 6 weeks was a whirlwind of 20 texts a day, of him wishing me good morning, pausing in the messages to only tell me he was thinking of me if he had to work. I felt giddy, in love and like I had met the One. It was intense, intoxicating and I was high energy, my inner emptiness had filled up with his presence and I was ready to burst.

Our first date, full of drinks and kisses among the well rehearsed story of his life, the ups and downs, loss of family, broken hearts, I felt each dip and low with him and was fully attuned to his every emotion. Upon reflection nothing was actually said about me. My codependent inner child was jumping and down with this connection, this gorgeous amazing man and how lucky I was. This became something he used to frequently remind me.

He quickly moved in within a week and stayed for three months before returning back to his home. This felt like the first abandonment and I realised although did not want to face that without him life felt empty. I had always felt empty looking for something or someone to fill me up, I just hadn’t known what to do about it. We were in regular contact, not quite at the same intensity as before but it felt good. He became ill and I travelled 2 hours each way to pick him up and bring him back to me, relieved that I could have him back with me, so grateful that I could elicit his love and gratitude by looking after him, knowing then that I would feel loved and wanted. My inner child screaming, love me, see me, I am here.  He had a different plan.

After 3 days of cooking, comforting, cuddling and spending every waking second with him he turned to me one morning and said, ‘Things aren’t the same are they…..’ WTF my whole world fell at my feet and I was terrified. ‘You haven’t really looked at me the last few days…its not how it used to be.’ Even now I can feel the clenching of my heart space thankfully for different reasons than for what I felt at the time. His face took on a displeased sneer and I felt guilty, ashamed and utterly desperate to do whatever I needed and apologise however much was needed to bring back the love connection that I had somehow destroyed. Here began the trauma bond that strengthened over the following 18 months where I was like a hungry dog taking any scraps of attention thrown at me, my self respect and self love fading in resignation in  the belief that this was what I deserved and how useless I was for upsetting him all the time. The addiction was reinforced by the increasing spikes of highs when he was happy and excited about something and HE became WE once more. The extremities of the highs made the depths of the lows darker and heavier than anything I can describe.

One day after an argument, as I was making the bed  he smacked the back of my head and then cried outside saying he couldn’t be with someone who made him do that. Having no knowledge of the meaning of gaslighting, I dropped to my knees and begged him that I would change, I had no idea how but I knew that this was my fault, I was clearly a very bad person with issues, who was so lucky to have him I had to try harder to keep him happy. How ashamed I was and how grateful he stayed, but the nagging feeling that I would mess up again soon and he would leave with no communication and no mention of when he would return drained my happy moments and I was a empty smiling desperate to please ghost of a woman. (I saw a healer during my recovery and she told me I have 9% of my aura left and what a good job it was that I saw her when I did. I believe her.)

After his countless tantrums, walk outs and walk backs,I was too exhausted to even feel relief on his return as the heavy fog of my cognitive dissonance washed over me. Then out of the blue he gave me some money for a project I was doing. He handed me the money from the ATM  with a disapproving face, telling me, “There you go, See I love you don’t I,’ as though I really should have known this all along. I felt guilty and took his money like a petulant child being given a treat although they had been naughty. This gesture confused me, he really must love me to do this, 2 weeks later he had stormed out again, in response to me saying something he did not like, I had lost perspective of what was acceptable of what wasn’t and subsequently he did not speak to me for 3 days. The effects of the silent treatment are devastating, I felt isolated, depressed and highly anxious. He did not like my friends because they ‘were too young’ so I had become isolated and exactly where he wanted me. Then 3 days turned to 6 weeks and still I hung in there, again taking each paltry text like the wild dog salivating for tiny scraps. He would send me messages saying, ‘You really don’t like yourself do you….instead of ringing me during the day let’s agree once a night.’ This felt totally reasonable after all he was very busy (doing nothing), but who was I to interfere in what he now referred to as his freedom and quest to find himself. If it was possible to sink lower I did each time, each gaslighting comment driving me deeper and deeper into my childhood wounds, my protector parts were exhausted putting their metaphorical hands up in the air in despair.  The highs were not enough to elevate me anymore and I sunk lower and lower in energy until I lost his respect and interest totally with no more supply to give him and he left me.

18 months gone and finished and he set up home (with someone much younger than my too young friends)  within a matter of weeks.. although I received an email from him 3 months into their relationship (obviously as they were going through a rough patch) telling me if I hadn’t up messed up everything all the time he would still be with me now. I was felt soulless, a body with no feeling apart from all encompassing sadness. Zombie like, I don’t think I smiled for 6 months. Once you enter the shadow of your deepest pain it is hard to navigate out. For this I thank him. He was my greatest teacher because in taking me to the darkest saddest places of myself I looked up one day at the sky and shouted “I Surrender, I f*cking surrender.’ And then it happened. Silence, Stillness then Peace. Is that all I had to do…who knows but it worked.

The Universe took me to the teachings of Gabor Maté, this changed my life….for another post I will describe. But to end here, this man gave me the greatest gift anyone can give…he gave me, Me. I connected to myself in ways I did not know possible. I allowed myself to be still and surrender to the pain which brought so much relief. I know what narcissistic abuse is and I can help others  to know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. With our roots in co-dependancy we are magnets to narcissists who in themselves are broken insecure humans who need their narcissist supply to feel any self worth and they go to any means to achieve it. They are never satisfied and have zero empathy, only the desire to control, manipulate and have their supply.

Signs to look for:

1. Do you make excuses for your partner
2. Did you experience love bombing and miss this so desperately
3. Do you think you need to try harder to make it work
4. Do you cling to the highs in spite of the lows
5. Do you feel stuck unable to leave
6. Do you feel you have lost everything including your self
7. Do you feel so unlovable you think no one else will want you
8. Do you feel that there is a chance all will be as it was in love bombing stage
9. Do you feel exhausted and anxious
10. Do you feel afraid of what he/she will do if you leave

Being in a trauma bond is a physiological, emotional and addictive process. Your brain becomes addicted to the cycle of cortisol and dopamine release creating neurological pathways of familiarity. It is also an attachment process and one which is likely to have been set up from birth. Most importantly!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are lovable, you always were, you just learnt somewhere in your story that this was not true and this is a magnet to narcissists.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Natalie xx