Today, I woke up to yet another stressful situation piled on top of every hurdle I’ve faced in the last few months. Instead of throwing my phone out the window and melting into a puddle of tears (a serious consideration for how I was going to handle the situation), I opened a Salty Club 15 minute breathwork session, then pulled out my journal and began to free write.

How can I feel more secure in this moment?

This was the question that came up for me, and I began to list the people, tools, resources and skills I’ve collected over the last year and realized.

Holy shit, I actually have a pretty good handle on things

This time last year, I was so genuinely depressed that my friends actually voiced their concerns – never a good sign.

Two weeks later, I would board a plane and attend a 5 day wellness festival full of coaches, therapists, teachers and healers. It was on this trip I recognized how my body suffered from unexpressed emotions (mostly anger). It was the first time I considered improving upon my communication style (which consisted of avoiding everything completely). I decided to shift my energy away from those who could not love me right and toward kindness and respect. I learned two really big lessons; learn to love what is good for you and you don’t have to be fully healed to have a healthy relationship.

I returned home feeling revived, but also incredibly lost. I had no idea what my next step would be. This is exactly what I told the people closest to me, who suggested I just work harder in an unaligned direction. “You’re a great massage therapist, just take on more clients.”, “There’s a government office job available in your area, you would have great benefits.”, “You get what you pay for, so you shouldn’t complain about where you live.” While I love the people who gave me their unsolicited advice, their words curdled in my body and screamed “hard fuck no” in my mind.

Whatever my next move will be, it has to feel good. That is nonnegotiable.

Two months after returning home from the festival that started the shift, I received an email. A poet turned coach, whom I’ve admired for years, was hosting a business mastermind (curriculum based, long term, small group meetings) for renaissance women (who are shifting, changing, and always growing). I immediately opened the application, not because I thought I could afford the price, whatever it was, but because her applications always made me think.

Pro tip: If you would learn from someone without paying them, fill out their applications. If they’re good at what they do, the application will ask you deep questions and cause a shift before you ever hit submit.

I open the application, write down my questions and immediately start to feel inspired. At the bottom, I saw the price. I couldn’t even afford the payment plan. Then I saw the options: I can afford this and will pay in full, I can afford the payment plan, and I cannot afford this.

I was shocked! Who puts something like that on their application? I clicked “I cannot afford this” and for the first time ever, I submitted an application for a mentorship program – with zero expectations of actually joining.

The thing is, I wasn’t alone. So many women also said they couldn’t afford the price, it inspired the creator to host a free masterclass called “Be the woman who can afford it.” I attended live (because I’m a lil slut for free information) and uncovered so many money beliefs that weren’t actually mine. This was the first real step in working on my financial health, which has been a wreck since I was a kid, but I never needed to confront it before.

Be the woman who can afford it

It sounded cool, and I did learn a lot, but ultimately it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t fucking afford it. Yes, a lot of my beliefs were toxic and handed down to me, but that doesn’t land a stack of cash in my lap. It changes nothing, or so I thought for a few days.

I started reflecting on all the side projects I worked on, but didn’t actually get paid for. I wrote a list of ways I could make money, clients I could work with and brands I could pitch to. I held one meeting that went far better than expected and signed a contract for a monthly rate that was the exact price of the payment plan. I immediately booked a discovery/connection call with the woman hosting the mastermind and proudly told her, I was a woman who could afford it.

In the business mastermind, we practiced breathwork to regulate our nervous system, cold plunging to become resilient in discomfort, and asking our body questions, then listening for the answers. The experience was far from what I was expecting a business mastermind would look like, and yet, I increased my prices (I lost some clients but was no longer burning out), moved to a new city, and created a new stream of revenue to support me in the move.

OMFG, it actually worked

Before the mastermind could end, I found another mentor that felt so incredibly aligned and booked a connection call. We discussed what I was hoping to accomplish and agreed that it felt aligned for both of us, then she told me the price. My first instinct was “shit, that’s way more than I can afford.” then I thought, “I trust that I can figure this out. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. I might not be a woman who can afford this, but I will be.”

When covid hit, my business shifted and I moved out of my home for the last few years, into an internetless farmhouse in the mountains of West Virginia, I was playing small. I would ask myself each month; how can I shrink my cost of living? With this mentality, I backed myself into a corner I had no idea how to grow out of. These last two mentorship opportunities supported me while I began to expand. Yes, it was uncomfortable. I cried a lot. I was incredibly stressed at times, but I was also supported in a way I’d never been before. This support gave me a different perspective and made me feel seen while I was navigating the hardships of growth.

Today, I sat down to write feeling stressed and uneasy, but after writing, I feel…

Secure, in my relationship and the support systems I have created.

Self reliant, while I continuously make big moves and trust myself to handle obstacles.

Comfortable, knowing that healing is a journey and where I am right now is amazing.

For me, taking risks and maneuvering through uncertainty will always be easier than anything out of alignment, even if it’s an office job with great benefits.

I invite you to reflect on your last year, how have you grown? Moving forward, how can you make things a little easier for yourself?