Before I became a mama in 2015 I was studying to become Lutheran Pastor. I had just received my Associates Degree in Pastoral Ministry and was in the very beginning courses of my BA. I was thirty-three years old and for the first time I felt like I was working toward a sustainable if not  mutually beneficial goal.

At the time, I was very active in my small church community. I was responsible for the weekly childrens’ sermon. I was an assisting minister, helping to lead worship at least twice a month and was involved in many small group activities within the further reaching community. As we say in the faith, I felt I had found my call.

Allow me to set the scene.  Thirty-three years old, living with my mama, attending online college and involved in a relatively new albeit healthy relationship. Most of those circumstances came about in the order they did, due to me living with Cerebral Palsy. Despite my challenges I finally felt as though I was beginning to experience a natural flow of things.

Healthy nurtured relationship, school, potential career and then…pregnancy. Unplanned, but not unwanted. (And yes, I knew where babies came from, but I didn’t know if I could conceive, until I did.)

My pregnancy was nothing short of brutal. I experienced polyhydramnios otherwise known as a buildup of excessive amniotic fluid, hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), or extreme morning sickness for nearly the entire forty weeks. I experienced an umbilical hernia which required surgery at six months along as well as a laundry list of other complications. (My baby was virtually unaffected and perfectly healthy.)

That being the case, my life as I had known and grown to love, even if only for a short while, changed completely. Please don’t read that as a complaint, but instead as a reality I faced daily.  I could hardly get out of bed most days, let alone get dressed, leave the house or participate in any activities. I continued with my online schooling for as long as I could possibly stand. But in the end, that too came to an end.

Once I had my son, my body was under less direct stress, but I had to learn to navigate having Cerebral Palsy and taking care of a newborn. I indeed did learn, or more truthfully, he and I learned together. I soon came to realize however, that in order to raise my child to the best of my ability, in a fashion that I was satisfied with, given my personal challenges, everything else would be on hiatus.

For the first few years, I was content with my decision to focus on being a fulltime mama and domestic engineer. Although I missed playing an active role in a faith community and still genuinely desired to become an ordained Lutheran Pastor,  I was fulfilled in my roles and responsibilities and felt that my contributions were sufficient and meeting my potential. After all, raising a child, taking care of a home and generally making sure all the dynamics involved ran smoothly was absolutely a full time commitment.. Then in 2019, as if life wasn’t busy enough, my fiance and I were blessed to welcome our second son. So…Life just kept life-ing as I often say..

Once again I felt as though I was (mostly)  reaching my full potential, now caring for two young children,  but nevertheless my heart continued to yearn for a connection that was missing.  There remained an emptiness I couldn’t deny. An emptiness that could only be filled by living my call. (Please read this as me seeking additional engagement, but not feeling unfulfilled as a mama, in any way.)

The question then became, how?  My current situation would not allow for me to return to school full time, complete an additional four years of seminary ,fulfill an internship, and potentially  accept a position that could be at any location within the United States etc.

My days were now filled with maintaining a household, providing my boys with a non-traditional education and doing my best to nurture my personal relationships amidst the ongoing chaos and turmoil of everyday life.

After wrestling with many questions, and emotions (which I had to remind myself, is a sign of a healthy faith relationship,) I realized what I have always known, the true point of a pastor is to offer hope.  The true nature of the word is to love and administer hope, healing and direction.  All are capable of being ministers in the world.

Although my call may no longer include being officially ordained, becoming an official member of the clergy it will always include being love in action and extending grace in a world desperate for hope and direction.