Tonight didn’t go well, it started with the best of intentions and ended poor.

I made a mistake, I told her I was writing to you. I told her I didn’t want you to miss out on her day to day, that by writing to you, you wouldn’t miss out on anything.

I wrote to you in detail about her last week of school, I took special pictures and I printed with the fake Polaroid. I wanted her to think you wouldn’t miss out, but you did.

You died. You are gone. She is robbed of a childhood with her dad. I’m robbed of all the memories I thought we would share together. You’re going to miss her graduation, her wedding, our grandchild. It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to me.

I’ve been trying to be selfless and think “what would Scott do” and you know what? I’m beat down and I am tired. I am exhausted by the efforts I’ve made, I’m tired of thinking of everyone before myself. I’m a mess. I miss you so much and I don’t feel like I am allowed to miss you.

I comfort a sad, lost child, day in and day out. It’s the burden I must carry since you are gone. I am your ex but I loved you, we shared a child. I don’t know how long I can be as strong as I have been. I am not a strong person. I make people believe that I am strong but I am weak, I am scared. I have no support.

I wish you were here to make it all better and reassure me that I am doing good. I need you to reassure me I am a good mom. I want you to tell me you’re proud of me.

I held your hand and cried as you were brain  dead and promised you I’d always do my best for our sweet girl. I’m not sure if my best will be enough but I promise you I will try. I need you to promise me you’ll always be with me, guiding me and bringing peace to know I am enough.

I must believe that you’re here with me. That you will experience each moment of her life, the happy moments, the sad moments, the difficult moments. Please be with me, please be proud of me and most importantly  know that I am doing my best.

We lost a piece of our hearts when you left. We will always have that hole, a deep pit of emptiness that will never be filled. Our hearts will never be the same because you took a piece when you left.

We will cherish the memories we made with you. We will giggle, we will cry. We will grieve and learn to live without you. Your spirit will live on and my last promise to you is that I will never let our daughter forget how much you loved her. She will always know that.