The sound of the band was playing, I felt the most incredible peace come over me, the feeling of being seen, forgiven, held, loved, embraced, the most electrifying currents running through my body. I cried with joy, feeling such a release of emotion. If I close my eyes now and connect with that moment, I have such a feeling of love and peace in my heart.  The preacher asked for all those who wanted to experience the love of Jesus to come forward.  I had never experienced anything like it so I humbly made my way to the front.  The front of a small group of tweens at a Christian Easter camp.  This must be God right, this must be Jesus.

The camp ended and the feeling passed.  I just went back to my day-to-day 12-year-old life and didn’t think too much of it.  Always wondering about and longing for that same feeling.

In my late teen years, I found a vibrant group of young people who inclusively welcomed me into their Christian community. To come into a community where I could sense genuine care and love and also feel a real tangible spiritual presence. I began to feel the same energy I had connected with when I was 12, it felt like home, and it felt right.

When you are in this tight Christian community it is your life – your friend group, your social circle, your weekends. It is a wonderful experience to feel like you are saving the world for God and serving your community. To be in a relationship with God, feeling like you have a purpose. You are surrounded by messaging of hope, love, of belonging, mixed in with an under woven current that you are a sinner, that you need to be saved, that you have done something wrong, and need to be forgiven – it is like a homing beacon for feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness.

I was always trying to pray longer, worship more, serve more, street evangelize, and chase spiritual highs – all looking to fill a void inside me and my sense of unworthiness. If only I could give and rescue others in a way that I felt people had not been there to rescue me – serve more, evangelize more. I needed to be at more conferences and events, around world-leading prophets and teachers so they could see me and call out my spiritual calling so everyone would know how special I was and how God had chosen me – would that make me feel like I was worthy?

Eventually, after around 7 years of dedicated service and commitment to my church, including working for them for a year. I got burnt out and left at around the age of 23.

What I am grateful for – the burnout which got me out of the community! As is often the case with burnout it wakes you up to something you are not seeing. As I got out, got free and found me. It was such a relief to go overseas and be out of the community to find what I believed to be true for me and to be around people that had different views on life. However, I am also grateful for this time in my life for the spiritual disciplines I learned – how to hear from spirit, be open to soul speak, to channel messages for others, meditate and pray, fast and heal and be healed.

In recent times I have realized that what I was looking for all along was myself – to be connected to my soul and my higher purpose. I was the one that I was waiting for, the one that was there to save me. To start believing in myself, loving myself, having unfailing belief in myself, and intuitively trusting myself to create my life. It’s interesting to hear other people’s perspectives but I now always question do they align with my heart, do they give me a sense of peace, or do they not seem quite right? But also to accept people for who they are and what they believe. I have no desire or feel any need to convince you that what I say is true, I do not need to. I do not look for your acceptance in this way.

Over the last few years I have found a closeness with our creator that exceeds all previous spiritual experiences, it is between me and the energy that created the universe. It is where I go to look for answers, I find my joy here, my peace here, my guidance and soul purpose. I am a beautiful holy divine sovereign light being that co-creates my life with creator force energy – the energy of unconditional love.

As I came into my own sense of sovereignty and awareness that I am a divine energy being of light I realized that I had made vows and contracts in the church where I had given my power away. The sinner’s prayer for example – was where I needed to acknowledge that Jesus died for my sins to “save me”. I do not need to be saved, I am not a dirty sinner. How can unconditional love require someone to die for you, that would make it conditional love!

Jesus came to earth to seed in a new way of being and new energy, with a powerful level of resonance that enabled him to perform so many miracles. The seed of light that he planted is still available to us now.  Jesus will come back but not via a man on a white horse, but via a collective awakening of consciousness, a Christ consciousness, starting with you stepping into your sovereignty and taking responsibility for your life. You are who and what you have been waiting for. Jesus came to show you what was possible for you when connected back to your soul purpose and the highest frequency of love energy available to us right now. The same energy that he used to heal is within you and is available to you for your own healing.

I now desire for my spiritual experiences to be ones that happen in the day-to-day happenings of my life, in quiet moments of reflection and meditation. Experiences that are my own and not dependent on anyone or anything outside of me. Experiences that are all founded on unconditional love – for myself and for others.