When we part ways with someone we love, we feel like we’re hit by a ton of bricks.

It doesn’t matter how hard we may try to normalize breakups—or how many times it has happened. At the end of the day, it will always be one of the most difficult experiences we have to endure as adults.

What’s even more difficult than going through it is having to get over it.

Years may pass and things may significantly change in our lives, but the presence of some people may remain in our hearts and minds. Even if we physically and generally move on from the relationship, we may not easily move on from the person who was in it.

There are many reasons why it may feel hard to let go. But if you ask me, there’s only one that may be difficult to hear.

Yes, you might still have them on your social media platforms. You might still be waiting for closure. You might feel guilty or confused. You might be focusing on the good times. There are hundreds of reasons why you might reminisce about the past, but the idea you have of someone can keep you imprisoned—not just stuck in moments of nostalgia.

Everything we hate or love, like or dislike, want or reject in life is based on an idea in our minds. Ideas, opinions, thoughts, beliefs, or whatever you want to call it, dictate how we feel and act right here, right now.

We are rarely attracted to reality or facts, as they may be unwanted or unpleasant. But we are almost always attracted to the ideas we weave into our minds because we get to choose the beginning, the ending, and the outcome.

It took me years to get over someone who, in my own mind, was flawless. He clearly was not flawless, and we struggled with many issues in our relationship. But my mind somehow cherry-picked his best qualities and focused on what we could have become, which automatically wiped out all the other facts that revealed to me why we couldn’t be together.

Maybe, after all, we do get over people, but we don’t really get over the idea we have of them.

Ideas can either help us move on or keep us stuck. Some breakups may be easier to navigate than others because the vision we have of our ex may be broken. In our minds, we might never be able to repair what a person has caused us. But other breakups appear to be much harder to navigate because we may still be attracted to someone we’re no longer in a relationship with.

Even after years, we might still feel drawn to qualities that are based on wishful thinking—not facts. This is the cold, hard truth.

How can we restore the right ideas? We need to take a good, hard look at the past, at the person, at the relationship without filters. We need to clearly see and understand the facts that have brought us here.

The truth can be pretty uncomfortable, even undesirable, but it can be liberating. Are you willing to free yourself from the shackles of your own mind?

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