https://youtu.be/h67obDlOnJY

Crossing The Chasm: From Straight To Lesbian

I sat in my parked car, crying, feeling afraid I’d just made the worst mistake of my life. I had just ended my relationship with my first serious boyfriend. He was a good man, he loved me, and he wanted us to move to the country together, have horses and red-haired children. Wasn’t that what I was supposed to want? What more was there? Yet something inside me said No.

The year before, I had kissed a woman at a party. I’d had a few relationships with men already, and now I asked myself: could I be with a woman? Myself answered, Yes.

Though it took years more before I actually came out as a lesbian, that first kiss planted a seed that let me glimpse a different world, and eventually live my way into it. 

Do you know someone on a similar journey — maybe even you? These days, huge numbers of women who’ve lived heterosexual lives for 20, 30, 40, even 50 years — many of whom did marry men and have children — are now claiming the label late-blooming lesbian. 

What Makes Late-Blooming Lesbians Bloom?

Sometimes a previously straight woman “blooms” into a lesbian when she suddenly falls in love with a woman. Well-known author Glennon Doyle is a perfect example. She was at a conference promoting a book about her heterosexual marriage, when she met the out lesbian soccer player Abby Wambach. They both then moved mountains in their personal lives to be together.

Other times, though, there isn’t any one relationship that is the catalyst. Instead, as in my case, there’s a dawning or sudden realization: I’m attracted to women.

Sometimes, of course, a lesbian crush or attraction comes and goes, and doesn’t require the creation of a whole new life. But other times, living authentically, listening to our hearts, our bodies and our deep inner longings, requires us to make the courageous journey of coming out.

As someone who teaches about lesbian dating and relationships, I’ve seen five common reasons why this is happening so much more often now.

Five Factors That Help Lead To Late-Life Blooming

1. Lesbian life is much more visible than ever before. More heterosexual women have lesbian friends or acquaintances, or at least see lesbians on TV or in movies, or even in commercials. This makes being a lesbian feel like an option in ways it didn’t ten or twenty years ago. And since we have more exposure to different types of lesbians, it becomes easier for any woman to be able to envision herself as being part of the lesbian community. imagine herself as part of the lesbian community.

I’ve heard so many people say, “It wasn’t until I saw a lesbian who looked like me, that I realized I could be a lesbian too.” While you may not know a lot of lesbians yet, look around. Do google searches. We are out there in every shape, size, color, nationality and age.

2. Lesbian life is also more accepted than ever before, at least in many parts of the United States and other Western countries. Lesbian marriage has been legal across the U.S. for eight years now, and is legal in 38 other countries around the world. So even though it’s still a huge thing to come out, it’s less terrifying and risky than it used to be.

3. Many women actually take courage and heart from their own LGBTQ+ kids. Today’s teenagers and young adults live in a different world than we did when we were young. They’re far more open about both gender expression and sexual orientation. So I’ve talked to a lot of women who were working to support and empower their LGBTQ+ offspring, and in the process, realized something about themselves as well. Or, perhaps their kids weren’t LGBTQ, but in the process of teaching them to be accepting allies, a door opened.

4. Within the lesbian world, women are attractive at any age. Heterosexual women often become painfully aware of being less sexually attractive to men, as they age. So there’s great healing and expanded sense of possibility in realizing that in lesbian communities, there’s no expiration date on being found desirable.

5. Heterosexual relationships are hard. Many women get frustrated and disappointed by their experiences with men, and yearn for both the increased emotional intimacy, and the increased sense of equality, between two women. Of course, sexual orientation is complex, and no one becomes a lesbian just because of disillusionment with men. There’s got to be active desire for women there, too.

The Heroine’s Journey: Being True To Yourself

Despite the factors that are making it easier for women to come out, it is still a journey that takes great courage, a willingness to question conventions and old beliefs about yourself, challenge your own fears and prejudices, and open new doors inside your own being.

Most late-blooming lesbians, women coming out as lesbians, or women who are simply questioning their sexual orientation find it enormously helpful to connect with others on similar paths. Finding coming out classes or support groups can make a world of difference.  

In a recent class I led, one woman spoke about having been with her husband for 45 years. He was the only person she’d ever been sexual with — and now she wanted to date women. Would she be accepted? How would she even begin?

She was deeply relieved to feel the warm acceptance of everyone in the group, including the longtime lesbians among us — and to get some concrete advice.

Another woman talked about having finally come out to her adult son, after fifteen years of worrying. As a teenager, he’d said something that made her afraid he could never accept her. But when she finally told him who she was, he was supportive. We all had tears in our eyes as we listened.

Tools You Need For Your New Life

It also helps a lot to educate yourself about lesbian dating and lesbian relationships. I founded the Conscious Girlfriend Academy after my own long journey, because it was so hard for me to find the information I needed. Lesbian relationships are different.

Many late-blooming lesbians report that their relationships with women are more deeply emotionally and sexually satisfying. Yet, there are different challenges, including having to work harder against the “urge to merge,” and needing skills to navigate the triggers that come with deeper emotional intimacy and faster bonding.

But you don’t have to go it alone. Alone, we struggle; together, we can support each other, take courage from each other, and thrive.