I’ve been in jail in Yemen. I’m good in a crisis. I have gasp worthy stories I’ve collected through the chapters of my life. Those will dribble out over time.

What I’m feeling vulnerable about right now doesn’t pack a big punch. In fact, I wonder if this will be relatable at all as it seems so light and airy compared to the gut sucking sensations that often accompany vulnerability.

I’m ashamed that I don’t feel good physically right now and it feels vulnerable even typing it. My symptoms include a prickly chest, constricted and sore throat, an achey head full of crud, and clogged ears. Basically like i’m coming down with a virus (Covid test negative).

My inner judge says I’m “less than” and “who wants to be around a lump of negative symptoms?” I feel like I’m letting down my husband David, clients, friends, classmates, family, and my dog Monkey.  I love them so much and believe I’m a positive contributor to each relationship much of the time.

When I don’t feel well the judge tells me I never feel good, that I always feel bad.  I can’t tell if it is accurate that I am “poorly” more often than average or if it is my inner critique feeding me another story.

It’s possible I manifest a physical or emotional slump in order to have an excuse (permission) to carve out some alone time. Time to luxuriate in the pressure free environment of being alone.

Last weekend I was in bed for 2 whole days with nausea, upset tummy, and fever. David had been out of town for a week and I got sick the day he returned.The judge says, “You’re a pathetic new wife and partner, a good-for-nothing piece-of-shit, old used jalopy that is breaking down more often than not. He must be disappointed and feel stuck with such a weak human specimen who is in bed sickly all the time.”

Here it is the weekend again and I am not feeling good, again.The mean judge tells me I’d be better off alone. My ego brightens at the thought. Alone, nobody knows my weaknesses.  Nobody is disappointed in my way of being. I can come out and play at my best, or heck, even at my most mediocre, but not when I feel yucky. 

I often expend all the personal energy fuel I have on things that seem extremely important at the time and then completely fall apart in a heap of exhaustion at home. Fuel tank empty. This is when physical symptoms of “unwell” often appear and I end up in bed.

I’m tempted to develop a plan of action to fix the imbalances in my energy delegation.  Wouldn’t that make me a more worthy partner and person?

But wait, I don’t buy that anymore. I recognize I’m at a turning point.  I know better than to believe everything I think!  I really don’t believe the judge is correct about me or what David and others think. Two of my core beliefs arise. 1.Acceptance is the key. 2.Love heals.

Is it even true that something is wrong with my current energy expenditure style or with me?Even if I do need to change, I first need to accept me as I am.   

My inner guidance, which I equate with Divine Wisdom, answers gently, lovingly,  “You are not wrong or broken dear Emma. You are a human being having and using a physical experience for the purpose of the learning, growing, and awakening.  Earth School, serves up your unique spiritual curriculum. You can trust life.   

Experiencing depletion and feeling unwell physically and/or emotionally is serving you as part of your spiritual curriculum, filled with layers of opportunity for healing, restoration, and growth. You have grown to the point of knowing you can’t badger yourself into a better feeling place.Good job choosing bedrest, self care.

Ascension in human consciousness is like academic school.  The grades are in order for a reason.  We don’t jump from kindergarten to 5th grade nor from 9th grade to a PHD.  Emma, you are where you are supposed to be.”   

The Divine essence that lives and breathes me is the conductor of the beautiful symphony that entails my current experience of not feeling well, resting, and writing about it, as well as my whole entire life.

This mysterious Divine Essence lives, breathes and conducts all of our lives individually and collectively.  Divine essence is the symphony conductor that coordinates all the elements that constitute what I call flow. When I’m in acceptance and surrender, my life plays like an elegant symphony with a magical quality.  Everything works and there is no struggle or efforting.

I’m dancing inside with the elation of juice and cookie time from preschool days, just remembering what this sense of flow feels like! Even when I feel yucky, the idea of flow feels so good.   

“Healing is the application of love to the places that hurt inside” — Iyanla Vanzant. Caring for myself when I am hurting is loving.  With the action of loving comes the divine magic that keeps a non swimmer safe on their back in the midst of a wild ocean.

I’m reminded that surrender is like falling into the divine arms of flow.

Yummy.