Last week I wanted to throat punch my husband every time he walked through the room. This week, I can’t imagine life without him. He didn’t change overnight, I did.  The angry, voice inside my head that was annoyed with his very existence is now overwhelmed with love and admiration for the patient and kind man he is.

No, I’m not schizophrenic, just female and perimenopausal. I’m actually not much of a reactive person at all.  But every once in a while, hormones wreak havoc inside my head.  I am a hot flashing, raging beast who cries herself to sleep and then I wake up a patient and kind woman who runs along the beach breathing in the salty sunrise.

A male friend once told me laughing that women have moods like the weather. One minute the sun is shining, and the next minute lightning flashes! I live in Florida where you can wake up on a beautiful summer morning to a nice, steamy hot sunshiny day. Then, by 3 o’clock in the afternoon, the black clouds are billowing into dark towers full of lightning and thunder.  I’ve never forgotten his remark, and it’s insightful.

Hormones affect our thoughts just like the weather affects the air.  But weather isn’t a true reflection of the constant state of the solid ground beneath. Weather is constantly changing.  Similarly, my estrogen-deficient brain isn’t a reflection of who I am as a person. I am a grounded, intelligent, pragmatic human. I’m the kind of person I’d like to be friends with. I listen, and I love deeply. I am proud of this, and I like the woman that I am.

But after the estrogen-deficient serotonin-depleted weather has blown through my brain, the aftermath is full of embarrassment and shame. Whoever that was, that weak crying irrational woman, embarrasses the hell out of me. Every damn time.

Earlier this week, I walked a friend through her hormone weather. In the aftermath, when she was feeling embarrassed and ashamed of her thoughts and feelings, I reminded her that as her friend, I hurt for her during the storm, and when she woke up feeling like herself again, I was relieved and happy for her. Never once during or after her storm did I have any ounce of character judgment.  My friend is one of the kindest, most giving people I know. She is pure sunshine.

If we don’t make a character judgment of our friend in a temporary state of insanity, why do we judge ourselves so harshly for hormone weather? It’s not a reflection of who we are,  it’s a chemical reaction that is not easy to control. Hail and floods are out of our control. We can only ground ourselves and prepare for bad weather when it comes. Then in the aftermath, reach out to our neighbor and help each other find solid ground. Next time bad weather hits, how about a little self-compassion, instead of listening to the harsh inner critic?

How we feel is just the weather. Who we are is much bigger than that.