‘When things are shaky we are on the verge of something’ Pema Chodron

When I go into my art studio, I am very aware of how being in the different zones of my personality can help or hinder me.  I remember feeling very surprised to discover that that when I was in a ‘confident’ space, there was a kind of confident mark making, you could call it muscular, energetic, I can get caught up in the ‘fun’ of painting and being in the studio.  I can get easily hooked by my ego, and distracted into thinking how well the painting is going, how great it’s going to be when it’s done, how great my retrospective at the Tate is going to be etc.  Unfortunately, all these thoughts can end up spelling disaster for actually getting said painting finished, and it can be a slippery slope into losing the flow.

It has been surprising to learn that the quiet, soft, not knowing place, is a good place to be, and if I lean into this, is this vulnerability?  If it is, it is one of the surest places I can be, to begin, where I am less likely to be hijacked by my ego. It can feel raw, exploring this territory, lonely.  Really alone with myself.  It can also be the truest path for me, and leaning into this place, can sustain me through the stages of making the painting.

I guess it comes down to attentive, and when I’m having fun, maybe I’m less attentive, and when I lean into my vulnerability, I am more attentive, and attentive in the studio is where it’s at.  When I think of parts of myself that I can trust as guides to follow on the creative adventure vulnerability stands out as an authentic option.  Standing separate from ego, it is actually daring to be here now.

And so this statement, ‘when things are shaky, we are on the verge of something’ is so comforting, because it gives value to that feeling of vulnerability, and well needed reassurance.

I’ve been feeling a bit low recently, and also aware of trying to achieve alot in my days.  Not fitting everything in I can end up feeling like I’m failing.  I’m aware of trying to fit in the personal practices, creative practices, and parenting my teenagers through it all.  Summer holidays are here, and this is a common time for me to feel overwhelmed as my teenagers are both home for the summer, and I somehow try to keep my schedules going.

Most of the challenge recently has been with feeling a little bit low. My well-meaning friends are trying to fix me, left right and centre, I can see how uncomfortable my being low is for them.  However my discomfort with my being low, outdistances everyone else.  The friendliest thing I can do for myself, is to spend some time being with myself, without expecting me to be different.  I sense it’s something to do with trust, if I can trust I’m ok, even when I’m low, well, that’s not so bad.

As I write this I can see how tough I am on myself, expecting a lot every day.  Placing my hand on my heart, I can sense that this very moment of connecting, even welcoming my vulnerability, is just what I needed.  And my suffering is mostly, trying to escape this feeling.

This path is such a mystery to me.  The alchemy that happens when I acknowledge and welcome my feelings, overwhelm, doubt, confusion, grief, can be the turning point, and somehow allows peace to trickle in.

And when so many experiences and sensations turn out to be transient, vulnerability is a trusted friend and guide, to bring me back to myself.