The long and the short of it: If you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have been a victim of brainwashing. Furthermore, if you have engaged in brainwashing, you have been or are a narcissist. Cult leaders are narcissists, and narcissists are little cult leaders.

Why is this important? Because to heal from narcissistic abuse, we must understand the degree to which our brains have been affected. The way narcissistic abuse works, is that any response from the victim that reflects a reality back to the narcissist that puts them (in their own mind) in a light they do not wish to see themselves, (or cannot, due to their mental illness), will be denied as unreal, or even as abusive. In other words, the victim will be gaslighted and accused often of the very abuse the narcissist is engaging in. The victim of narcissistic abuse will have their mind shaped around the narcissist’s egoic needs. Narcissists are masters at this – their egos demand of them that they be. Having that level of fear (which is the root of narcissism), means warding off at all costs that which is a threat. They become masterful at shaping the people around them. At least, those who are susceptible.

If you are healing from narcissistic abuse, treat yourself as though you have been in a cult. People who recognize they have been in a cult fare quite well, perhaps better than those who suffer narcissistic abuse from a family member. The reason for this, is that leaving a cult is final – you don’t usually go back once you see it for what it is. While having a narcissist in your family can mean further exposure, it can mean other people in your world who are in denial about the narcissist’s diagnosis. It is vital to see, and to see deeply, the level of manipulation and defense, and the lengths the narcissist will go to in order to distort reality to suit their needs. This is how we can regain a deeper disentanglement from the pattern of gaslighting our own true reality, a reality which has been denied so many times, that it undermined our trust in ourselves. De-programming the mind takes some time, but is possible, and even more possible when the de-programming is acknowledged as needed.

I know this in part because I have seen it in others, but also because I have dealt with it myself. I had a narcissist in my family. I was brainwashed, and found myself drawn, seemingly inexplicably to cult literature, and cult podcasts and documentaries. Earlier on, I found myself around spiritual teachers, and spiritual communities – places rife with brainwashing. Disentangling myself from all of these things, and all the ways I gaslighted myself has taken time, and continues, though is vastly improved. Now, I feel free to think and know what is true here, regardless of what is there. I feel a deep knowing and honoring of the reality that arises as I see it, and know that this is the actual path to awakening. Simultaneously, I am open and permeable, and become more trusting every day.

The definition of a narcissist needs some amending. The DSM doesn’t encompass the kind of spectrum that exists in the world. But when we have been a victim of this kind of abuse, it has a particular flavor, one in which the victim becomes invisible. Invisible to others, but more importantly, invisible to themselves. It can take years for this visibility to re-emerge. This re-emergence is a discovery process, and a building of resiliency to being disliked, hated, rejected. The threats of the narcissist start to recede into the background as their own path. Our path emerges as front and center, and our life force is restored.

Healing is always possible.