After years (many years, no, many, many years) of denial, somehow God had His way and I ended up in an Alanon meeting last Tuesday, this time not against my own will.

You see, codependency had been noticed in me years before.  As had fantasy and love addiction.  And I did attend some CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings in NYC way back.  But I just wasn’t willing to face my pain.  My reality.  Not yet, at least.

I sat in the meetings and listened patiently as others shared.  I watched them sobbing, sharing their hearts while mine broke even more.

Their words were resonant, but their tears were not.  After all, I was stronger than that.  I don’t cry!  Heck, I am the savior!  The strong one!  The brave one!  The “overcomer”.  I couldn’t bear to watch them hurting like this!  There must be a better way!  And I am going to figure it out then come back to save these, my friends, who, from my perspective at the time, were, gulp, “weak”.

Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

No, silly!  You just aren’t ready yet!

Ready for what, you ask?

Ready to admit that I was BROKEN.  Just like they were.  Absolutely NO DIFFERENT from them.  And I was suffering, gravely, too.  Except, instead of tears and recovery meetings, my suffering manifested as cancer (we’ll get to that in a future post).

Well, that was about 17 or so years ago now (the meetings, anyway.  The cancer, six.).

From classes on Buddhism, all different forms of psychotherapy, types of yoga, supplements, transcendental meditation, reiki, acupuncture, and even church…and getting re-baptized!, I could not escape the truth I needed Bill.  Bill Wilson, that is. In my humble opinion, a prophetic gift to humanity when he co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous, where we learn how to give ourselves grace–the foundation of experiencing the transcendent peace of Christ–and relate to others as we overcome.  I’m still learning about the program, but man, all I can say is, “Thank you, Bill.”

I hope, if you’re reading this while suffering silently, not understanding why, I hope you give AA or Alanon a chance.  But, if you have come up with a better way, I’d love to hear about it.  And I am well aware accountability and faith are the roots of recovery from any substance.  So, if you have those without meetings, and you think I’m just a big ol’ loser, and you’ve found your passion, your purpose, and your God, then, by all means, peace be with you.  But if you’re holding up the shield, as I was, for whatever reason, just know you are not alone and, whenever you’re ready, meetings will be there for you, too.