Societies impose norms and regulations on people, and that is understandable, at least to an extent. The problem is when, influenced by common ideologies, we create norms and regulations for ourselves. In this way, we create a ‘prison’ for ourselves, which is sometimes stronger than the ‘prison’ (without walls) that the Establishment tries to put us in. This applies to many different fields: to our work, to our values, to our habits. And it applies to our relationships as well. There are kind of unwritten norms that we don’t dare breaking, even when they feel wrong and make us suffer. I could write a long list: the idea that we need to have a partner at all costs, or children; the idea that our partners must be as similar as us as possible; the idea that love means doing everything together (even sleeping together all the time); the idea that we should avoid having good friends of the opposite sex if we are in a relationship; the idea that if we don’t have sex a certain number of times every week or every month there must be something wrong in our relationship, and so on and so forth…

These are all part of mainstream myths and ideologies and we should question them if we are not really happy with them. If we feel they suit us, that is fine. However, if we feel they limit us or have a negative impact on our relationship, then they should be challenged.

Let’s look at the examples I mentioned above, one by one.

Do we really need a partner (or children)? Cannot we be happy and fulfilled being single? Of course we can! Before meeting my wife thirteen years ago, I was a happy single! I did miss not having somebody special to love, but I tried to focus on all the good things that being single allowed me to do – to travel whenever and wherever I wanted, to spend all the time I wished with my good friends or doing the things I love. In this respect, I remember a story told by my favourite Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm. He recalled one particular woman who attended his temple in Australia asking for his advice as she felt very sad and lonely since her search for a partner was not leading to any results. Then, a few days later, this woman’s sister came to seek his advice, too, in her case because she felt oppressed by her husband and could not do all the things that were important to her. What was the solution? Ajahn Brahm had an idea: why not swapping? The married sister could ‘lend’ her husband to her single sister! Obviously this was a joke, evidently he never proposed that to the two sisters, but the story shows a very important thing – we may be single or we may be married, and in either situation we can feel miserable or happy… it’s up to us! Both situations have their positive and negative aspects.

Should we look for a ‘twin soul’, a partner that is very similar to us? Is that necessary for happiness and love? Maybe yes and maybe no. I do believe, however, that we can learn a lot more from somebody who is very different from us, provided we are both open-minded enough.

Do we have to share every possible moment? Shall we do as many things together as possible? Well, again, this might be fine for some, but not for everybody. For example, I love and I need to spend time with myself, or with some good friends. Other times I love to be with my wife. The same applies to my wife. Actually, not spending all our free time together allows us to have a lot of stories to tell each other of the time we were apart! And perhaps to enjoy more the company we missed… However, what I find really odd is the idea that married couple should sleep in the same room and on the same bed… Well, I love my wife, but we mostly sleep in separate rooms because we have such different sleeping needs and times, and different habits that we feel much better having our own space when we sleep. In addition, I’m a light sleeper and I never sleep well when I share the room with another person. I have even known close-knit couples who decided to live in two different places, because their relationship was much better like that! My wife and I went on living in our own studios (in the same building, three floors apart) for four years after getting married, until she got pregnant… so what?

As for friends of the opposite sex, I don’t see any problems in meeting them up every now and then. Actually a long time ago I had to spend some time in England while my former Spanish girlfriend was finishing her studies in Spain. At that time I remember ‘censoring’ myself whenever I had the opportunity to spend some time with any attractive female friends… I would just avoid them. But then I realized that that was slowly drawing me away from my girlfriend in Spain, as if she was the one controlling me, making me feel frustrated… As soon as I relaxed and started going out even with girls I liked, nothing ever happened and my relationship got better, until my Spanish girlfriend and I could be reunited…

How about sex? How many times is good or bad? This is so subjective! And of course it depends on the time your relationship has lasted, on your age, your stamina, and on many other factors. Sex is important, but love is more important!

As I said, all this is very subjective, and people may behave differently because people are different. As long as there is love and respect, everything is fine. What is wrong in my view is believing and following what the Establishment prescribes, or simply what other people say. Even ‘experts’ may just state their own opinion and nothing more. Please don’t believe in anything if you haven’t tested it personally and thought about it long enough!