If you want to experience relationships differently, you have to show up differently.

Often, we focus on the other person: what they’re doing, how they’re behaving, whether they are honoring our boundaries or meeting “expectations.”

This can lead to investigating their behavior and coming up with explanations, like: “Maybe they’re a narcissist,” or, “It must be their childhood trauma,” or “Perhaps they have a mental disorder.”

You want them to see you, but you’re not seeing you.

You want them to hear you, but you’re not hearing you.

You want them to honor your boundaries, but you’re not honoring your boundaries.

I got lost in this spiral myself, despite having been a women’s rights advocate for over 10 years and an attorney for 7 years. It took me awhile to realize I was unconsciously being ruled by feelings of powerless, fear of my truth, and lack of internal safety to choose for myself. Not to mention the deeply embedded belief that it was selfish to think of myself.

 

The whole time, the only way out of the unhealthy spiral and codependent dynamic was to stop focus on my partner and start focusing on me.

It is only by knowing ourselves deeply that we can choose for ourselves. Otherwise, we’re unconsciously choosing based on what OTHERS want.

I had to simultaneously anchor into my soul’s truth and unravel myself from the inherited beliefs and fears and traumas that kept me from being authentically me – in my power, in my truth, in my vulnerability.

The thing is, I wasn’t alone in repeating these age-old patterns, and neither are you. For thousands of years, women have been told it is selfish to have a self. We have all – men and women – been conditioned to believe love requires self-sacrifice or self-denial. Or that love comes at the expense of self, when – in truth – it comes from the Self.

To this day, we continue to carry around (subconsciously) beliefs about love and relationships that are rooted in relationships that were based on possession – not love.

Women were not allowed to have a Self or be free in relationships until the late 1800s in western countries.

In order to unravel yourself from these beliefs, patterns, and habits, you have to reclaim your power and source it from WITHIN. You have to focus on you: your inner experience, your needs, feelings, and desires, and cultivate a deep sense of self-worth.

These are some of the keys to reclaiming your sovereignty so you end codependent/unhealthy patterns and create freedom in your relationships.

 

True love always includes BOTH Self and other.

Be sure to watch the full talk on YouTube here, plus sign up for the upcoming 2-hour online experiential workshop to Revolutionize your Relationships: Reclaim your Sovereignty and Create Freedom in your Relationships here. We’ll gather on Friday, February 9 at 2 p.m. ET / 11 a.m. PT / 19:00 London.