I mean, don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t easy.  By any means.

If I can’t trust something I can see, physically, in front of me, something that is “real” (such as a person <gasp!>), then how can I possibly–in my right mind–trust something I cannot.  Especially when I believe that something “gave” me all the hardship in my life?

When I was a child, I used to wear a rainbow-colored elastic belt buckled *tightly* around my waist every day, even when I was wearing sweatpants.

It helped me feel safe.

At night, I held onto a nightlight cover.  It had to be cold.

I would sometimes place it, strategically, inside my underwear for the sake of sensory stimulation.  After all, I was sensitive.

I had a pacifier (until I was 11 years old, only because my parents invested in braces for me then, because of the effects of toting that pacifier, otherwise, I might still have it!).

As I got older, I needed to replace those sensory “comforts” with other things.

I relied on people, romantic fantasies, wanderlust, and, at times, masturbated sometimes five, six times in a row.

I planned vacations and listened to lustful music.  LOUDLY.

On my journey, I also carried crystals.  I was mesmerized by them.  Later, I even came to rely on them for the things I was seeking, such as perfect romantic love and peace.

Amethyst to keep me sober.

Rose quartz to bring me that perfect love I so desperately yearned for.

Celestine to keep me close to the “angel realm”.

Citrine for creativity.

I would burn sage and palo santo at the recommendation of other spiritualists.

Doing so made me feel, well, cool.  And protected from evil spirits.  I didn’t realize they had taken up residence inside of me, not my home!

I sported idols, such as ganesha and various buddhas and had them strategically placed around my home because, ya know, I was cool and “open minded”.

I invested in a rose quartz stone shaped like an angel, because, of course, that is better than just a round one.

I held it in my hand, much like the nightlight cover, throughout the night and believed–well, thought–it would somehow bring me that perfect romantic love.

And God heard me.

He strategically–in His perfect way–orchestrated the “right” people to treat. me. like. shit. so I could WAKE. UP. TO. HIS. LOVE.

I hit rockbottom and “had no choice.”

BULLSH*T!

Of course, I had a choice!  That is what FREE WILL is!  A gift from God to choose His ways over our own!

(see Proverbs 3:5-6)

I could have committed suicide!

Went back to my husband in desperation!

Used, confused, manipulated, and abused even more people!

I could have turned to marijuana, Xanax, men, youthful lusts!

I could have started posting photos of my body and gathered attention–another alternate substance–in that way!

But I chose to SURRENDER!

I CHOSE GOD!

I sought Him!  Went to church, learned, and listened out for His voice!

I GOT BAPTIZED IN THE HOLY SPIRIT!

And here I am today, six years in remission from a deadly cancer, to talk about it.

Guys, if there is one thing you need to hear right now, it is this…

YOU. CAN. TRUST. HIM.

He did not bring death and disease into this world.  He does not condemn babies or children by giving them cancer.

He created Eden for us!

It was my own sinful nature, weak conscience, and sleepy consciousness that brought on my calamities.

NOT. GOD.

We can either take accountability, surrender, and turn to Him for guidance and the peace we are so desperately seeking…

Or, continue down the same path of self destruction.

Which will you choose?