*Author’s note: This was written with men (i.e. anyone who identifies as a man) who are attracted to women in mind. The principles are relevant for any and all, and I just wanted to note that.

~

As a sex and relationship coach, I work primarily with men who are attracted to women.

As such, I’m intimately familiar with the messages out there that tell men that they’re bad, gross, or wrong for sharing their attraction.

“Men are pigs.” “Men only want one thing.” “Keep it in your pants, dude.” These are just a few common tropes.

One big problem with this is that there aren’t a lot of examples of men doing it “right.” We tend to highlight the negative stories—and of course, there are plenty.

But attraction itself is not, in and of itself, wrong. And we lose out on a lot of vitality, wonder, and connection when we vilify it.

So here I want to provide a few counterbalance examples of times when a man’s attraction uplifted me. I do this to make a point—that your attraction can be a gift. Not just not a liability, but a positive, wonderful gift.

Example #1:

I lived in New York City for a while, and one day I had a subway ride I’ll never forget. I was coming back from work and feeling kinda down; that sort of melancholy when you wonder if anything you do matters, and whether things will ever improve.

After a moment, I became aware of the young man next to me. He didn’t say anything, but I could sense that he found me attractive. I can’t tell you exactly how I knew; it was a feeling. And it was a good feeling! I could also sense his lightheartedness; he wasn’t taking it too seriously, but he was definitely feeling the feels.

It felt like he was working up the courage to talk to me, that it was taking a while, and he was sort of laughing at himself/the situation as this occurred.

For at least six stops, I felt him feeling me, and somewhere after 72nd street, I started grinning. My mood had completely shifted. I felt tingly, delighted, and elevated.

When I got off at my stop, I looked back at him and smiled wide. He smiled back, and we shared a fun human moment. We never exchanged a word. I never saw him again. But he uplifted me, just by being with his attraction to me.

Example #2:

I’d been going through a rough few months when I was with my last romantic partner. And no matter what—even if I showed up in sweatpants and my hair askew—he always brought his attraction. I always felt wanted, sexually and relationally.

I found this deeply soothing. I could be me, truly me, and still be desired. I didn’t need to perform or put on a show. I repeatedly showed up as sweet, beautiful, complicated, doing-my-best, hot mess, authentic me…and he let me know he wanted me. He kicked off our sexy time.

This is also important because sex was energizing. It helped me feel alive during a time when I felt a lot of down energy and uncertainty. His drive—his want, his desire—was an expression of his own life force, his own vitality, and this sparked my own.

His attraction was a sweet and deeply meaningful gift.

Example #3:

I’d been in a dark place for a while, not getting out of the house much. One day, I chose to dress up a bit to go grocery shopping. Nothing fancy, but a nice dress and a cardigan (over sweatpants, because #winter).

I was walking down the street when I passed one of those guys with clipboards that hang out outside stores. Just after I walked by, he called out, “You look nice today, miss.” Nothing elaborate. Not trying to get anything back (I’d passed him already, so there was clearly no shot at a signature).

And do you know what happened when he said that? My spirits soared. Someone noticed my dress! Someone saw me! I hadn’t felt attractive in quite a while, so him bringing his attraction to me in that moment was—again—a huge gift. I was delighted.

“Thank you!” I called back. “That really means something today.”

Again, we exchanged a simple smile and moved on, each a bit brighter than we’d been before.

~

There are a few things I want to say with regards to this “attraction as a gift” thing.

First, I’ve had my share of #MeToo moments, and this piece is in no way meant to minimize that. I recall one time when a man stared at me across the room at a library, and I actually said aloud, “You’re staring at me” because I wasn’t sure what else to do. Night was falling and I was concerned that he was going to follow me out. It was a scary experience and I didn’t feel safe until I was back at my place with the doors locked.

Now, as someone who works with men, I can attest to the fact that the vast majority of men with whom I work (and with whom I am friends) are terrified of being That Guy. They never want to make a woman feel uncomfortable. They constantly hear stories of men sharing attraction poorly, or in an aggressive fashion, or doing something that has women feel unsafe.

And as a man, it can be confusing. How, exactly, do you share your attraction in a way that makes it a gift and not a curse? How do you know if you’re “doing it” right?

This is a longer conversation, and one I get into with my clients all the time, but I do want to share two specific things I’ve noticed about the difference between encounters that feel good and the ones that feel threatening or bad.

In the “good” encounters:

1. I can feel the man not taking it too seriously. 

There’s a sense of lightheartedness, of ease. This is often reflected by the fact that he’s breathing. I know that sounds odd to say, but one thing I’ve noticed about men who’ve made me uncomfortable is that they haven’t been at ease in their bodies. They’ve been unsmiling, and often had shallow breath. I believe this is related to how much the man himself is okay with his attraction. The less okay he is with it, the more uncomfortable energy he projects.

2. It never feels like the man thought he had the right to my attention. 

He offered me something, like a compliment, or a noticing/appreciative glance, without needing anything back. He wasn’t attached to my response as a measure of his self-worth or his manhood.

When attention from a man has felt threatening, it felt like he wanted something from me—my attention, my smile, my approval, something. This feels bad.

But when a man is providing his own divine masculine light to me, it feels good. It feels like the sun shining on me. It feels warm and connected, and like a gift.

~

The truth is that it can take some effort, as a man, to reclaim your sacred attraction. If you’ve spent years repressing it or making yourself wrong for your sexual desire, it can be a journey.

But it’s a worthwhile one!

I’ve borne witness to and supported many men along this path, and one of the most gratifying parts is hearing their success stories:

“I complimented this woman at CVS and she just lit up!” said one of our clients—a guy who had never done anything like this before.

“I owned my attraction to this woman I met at a church event, and I could feel her enjoying the attention and leaning in,” another said. “I swear I’ve never interacted with a woman like that before, and it was easier than I imagined.”

And this isn’t only true of single dudes. One married client said, “I don’t know what’s going on but my wife initiated sex with me this weekend! Something about the way I’ve been showing up lately has gotten to her in a good way. ;)”

Dear men: your attraction can be a gift.

It is part of your sacred vitality, your life force, your very essence. It is one of the places where The Force flows through you.

Learning how to own it, get right with it, and really internalize the fact that it is a sacred part of you is a worthwhile journey.

You get more of what you want, and you also leave the way open for something magical to happen— for women to feel uplifted, energized, and radiant because of you!

~

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