“Intimacy is not purely physical. It’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul.” ~ Reshall Varsos

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Sex has been used in a transactional way since the beginning of time.

For some, it’s a way to earn a living. Sex sells; it always has and it always will.

Whilst transactional sex may fill a physical need, it really is not fulfilling. Some use it as a means of barter, using sex to get what they want. Others give into having sex to keep the peace. Some feel they are entitled to sex whenever they want. Some think they deserve sex. Some think if they don’t have sex they will die. Some think sex is intimacy. Others think sex is love. Some are blinded by sex.

Meaningful sex is none of these things.

Meaningful sex is never a transaction. It’s never used as a bartering tool. Nobody is entitled, nor does anyone deserve meaningful sex, or any sex for that matter. It’s an exchange of energy. It’s what occurs when two people have an emotional connection. It’s more than naked bodies. It’s naked souls. It’s foreplay that doesn’t solely involve physical touch. It’s hearts touching. Souls touching. Energy entwined. Meaningful sex is spiritual.

There is so much rubbish out there about men being able to “cheat” because they are wired differently. If women cheat, it’s far more serious—is the story being sprouted—as we are emotional beings.

I agree men and women are different, but the narrative that men can simply cheat and it not mean anything is all dependent on the type of man you are. Our relationship with sex stems from our belief system. What we’ve seen as we grow up. What we’ve been told. The role models we’ve had in our lives. The beliefs we have about the opposite sex. How emotionally available we are, or how closed off we are. What we are searching for. Is it love? And what are our individual beliefs around love? Validation? Trying to fill a void?

Sex in the physical sense is nothing more than a release. Some exercise. Except that there’s always an exchange of energy and that is something we should always be conscious of.

I’ve been amused watching some male “relationship coaches” express their opinions as some sort of scientific facts. A common opinion shared is that sex on a first date means the attraction and chemistry is palpable and you simply can’t help yourselves and this is a great sign of longevity in a relationship.

I get it. I’ve felt it. But does that mean the sex is going to be meaningful? Does it mean there is an emotional connection? Does it mean you are valued? Respected? Does it mean you’ll be with this person in 10 years? No, no it doesn’t. It absolutely doesn’t. It means you find them physically attractive and you are “horny.” By all means if you’re both wanting sex, do it, but understand it may indeed be simply sex and nothing else.

I understand I’m writing from my own personal perspective and experience in life and love. I’ve never been able to do casual; that’s just me. I see sex as a spiritual experience, connecting me on a deeper level with my partner. For me there needs to be trust. There needs to be intelligent conversation and similar life views. There needs to be respect. There needs to be a level of emotional intimacy. I need to see kindness and compassion. I want authenticity. And of course there needs to be an electric current of energy buzzing between us, on top of the attraction and chemistry. Then the sex will not only be meaningful, it will be raw, it will be exciting, and it will be at a level with far greater depth than two bodies touching.

I’ve said it in a previous article I wrote: touching someone’s body is the easy part. Touching someone’s mind is a level up. Touching someone’s heart is beautiful, but touching someone’s soul, that’s the magic. And I actually believe it’s rare, but for those who have touched souls, the sex is not only meaningful, it’s mind-blowing.

In our throwaway society, where employees are dispensable, people are dispensable, and lovers are dispensable, have we lost the art of meaningful sex? Do we even know what true connection is anymore?

It saddens me to see so many people confuse sex with love. Sex with connection. Sex with intimacy. Sex with genuine feelings for another human being. Sex can and should be all of these things, but so often, it’s few of these things, or worse, none of these things.

People aren’t objects. But with so many options to swipe on, some people are always looking for the next warm body. It’s become so easy to show our naked body, yet so difficult to show our naked soul. When did connecting on an emotional and intellectual level become less important than connecting on a physical level? If a quick jump in the sack and a bit of wham bam thank you mam is your thing, great, go for it, but be honest about it. Let’s not pretend the sex means anything at all. And for those looking for meaningful sex, it starts with a meaningful relationship and connection. Sure, sometimes sex straight away grows into something more, but it would be extremely rare.

I’ve only had three lovers in my life, which many would consider low at my age of 55. I’m okay with that. They were all relationships and I was married for over 25 years and together for close to 30 years. All were on a deeper level than simply sex. I learnt a lot from these men. What I wanted. What I didn’t want. What I desired. And how to be completely naked, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How to be completely trusting and vulnerable. Sex was important, but it was the depth of those connections that made the sex so damn great. At times exceptional, even tantric.

I embarked on a sex-free period after my last relationship. It was something I chose to do for myself, as I worked on myself. I’d not been without a partner or a lover since my late teens, and I realised that I needed some solitude and some time without a man in my life, and that included sex.

I know many won’t understand my decision, but I’ve reached a place where I don’t need validation to feel attractive. It’s been a cleansing of sorts and exactly what I needed. I love sex, but it must be meaningful, and honestly, I’m not willing to sacrifice meaningful connection and sex for a physical release. I’m not willing to exchange sexual energy with someone who doesn’t excite my mind. Who doesn’t touch me on an emotional level. There’s been a few lovely men in recent times who tried pursuing me, but something didn’t seem right and perhaps it was the timing. Regardless of the reason, I’m happy in who I am and where I am right now.

So what’s better than sex? Meaningful sex. Meaningful connection.

How do I find meaningful sex? I don’t. I don’t search. I don’t swipe. I don’t need. I simply love who I am, all that I have, and the amazing life I’m living. I know my worth and what I bring to the table. And when the time is right, meaningful sex and connection will find me. Crazy? Perhaps, but I’m not prepared to embark on mediocre sex with mediocre men whose only goal is to sleep with me.

Anyone can undress you and touch your naked body, but are they willing to undress your mind and touch your heart and soul? Is their heart and soul available to you? If not, the sex is meaningless. It’s simply a physical release, with no depth.

I want more. I deserve more. And so do you.

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