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The last few months I have been filling my life with intent and purpose to forgive myself and my partner for our mistakes and surrender to our love and the universe unconditionally.

The difficulty in doing so with grace and being grateful to the universe is a constant challenge. I have found that living and sitting with the emotional distress that follows these transformational journeys is paramount.

Every morning, I am grateful to god, the divine, and the universe for giving me the strength to sit with this emotional distress. My normal tendency is to point the finger elsewhere and not accept full responsibility for my own emotions. Affirmations of accountability and thanks to the universe for these lessons within my emotions helps soothe the need or want to blame others.

Directing my blame at others is a way for me to escape the responsibility of my emotional trauma surrounding the situation. For the longest time in my life, I couldn’t truly forgive anyone because I couldn’t truly forgive myself for every mistake I had made that had hurt others throughout my life. This time the hurt was powerful and pushed me into a deep and dark place. I had never felt emotional pain and distress at this level before in my life.

Immediately, it occurred to me that I may have caused others serious emotional pain and distress similar to what I was feeling, and this was now my opportunity to heal those wounds within myself. An entire evening with no sleep and a morning full of a spiritual awakening that shook my soul, awoke my spirit, and gave me the strength to forgive. Forgive my partner and forgive myself.

The thought formed in my heart as energy and moved to my mind to become words. I believe my spirit was guiding me to heal old wounds in myself as well as in my partner. Forgiveness is powerful when we face the truth and learn to love unconditionally.

As I continue to walk this path of forgiveness and surrender every day, I feel the old emotions and habits attempting to “save me” from the pain I may feel later. The urge to blame and guilt my partner subtly find ways into our conversations. Here is where I intend to find grace.

For true forgiveness will come if I can gracefully accept the mistakes my partner and I have made. It is vital to moving forward as we surrender to the universe and our love. If I unconditionally love myself and love her, I can forgive without needing anything in return. I can forgive without placing any restrictions on the future.

Boundaries are important here, for myself and those around me; however, I must really search my soul and ask for guidance. Reactive and erratic emotions may place boundaries that are not healthy for anyone.

This experience has taught me to be grateful to myself for the perseverance I am showing, grateful to my partner for lessons and the continued love and support, and grateful to the universe for providing the opportunity for growth and teaching me the value of trusting it.

Now I have an opportunity to find grace in our journey forward while surrendering completely to the universe. This has been one of the most terrifying ideas I have ever had to face. As a recovering codependent person with control issues, letting go of the wheel has never been an option. I must welcome it, for everything is as it should be and I trust god and the universe to guide me toward my destiny.

Visualization and affirmation of how I will make this journey are important every day. Letting go of the outcome and accepting the experience along the way is truly humbling.

I can and will do this; I will live my life with intent and purpose. I will gracefully accept responsibility for my actions, forgive myself and my partner, and trust the universe as I completely surrender to life.

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