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Being in an abusive and violent relationship when I was younger taught me a lot about boundaries.

For the longest time, I blamed myself and made excuses for him. But over time, I finally saw the truth and set myself free.

I feel so much compassion for the woman I once was. It sounds bizarre to say it now, but she had no idea that she had a right to love and safety. She thought she was being spiritual by staying by his side. She thought her duty was to him, not herself. She felt she had to protect him, and so she hid the truth from the closest people in her life and down-played how utterly broken she felt inside.

I’m no longer that woman.

Through somatic therapy and coaching, I’ve been able to compost the residue from that period of my life. I no longer feel the need anymore to call myself a “survivor.” In fact, I don’t think about it often at all now. There is a noticeable scar on my forehead still, but the pain and the wounding has healed. I am free.

As part of my healing journey, a few years ago, I wrote a letter to the woman I once was, and I’d like to share it with you now, just in case you’re meant to read it too.

Here’s what I wrote:

“Dear Sister,

Allowing your boundaries to be repeatedly violated by the person you love doesn´t make you a good person. All it does is make you a refuge his unprocessd pain.

I know you have deep empathy for others and you believe that most people are fundamentally good. This is your gift. It’s this that allows you to see the origins of someone’s wounding and show them compassion. But please recognise you don’t deserve to put up with behaviour that devalues, demeans, or diminishes you.

His scars are no excuse for the emotional and physical wounds he’s afflicted on you, and you can’t stay any longer. You can’t continue to let him violate your right to safety and peace.

By giving him excuses instead of leaving, the only thing you’re doing is letting your spirit wither. He will never change whilst you allow him to keep on taking out his pain on you.

You must choose yourself. 

You must gather up support, be it family members, loving friends, wise ancestors, protective spirits, encouraging guides, and Mother Nature herself.

You must dig deep within to reactivate your inner lioness, the one who fiercely protects her space from predators on the plains.

You must leave so that he can heal his wounds on his own. Whether he finds the clarity or strength to do so or not has nothing to do with you. His path is your own. It’s time for you to diverge from it.

It won’t be easy. There will be nights when the grief is so strong that you wish the darkness would swallow you whole. But it won’t last long. And on the other side of it will be your reclamation.

Your duty now is only to yourself.

So much magic is on it’s way to you. You won’t believe this yet, but you have a lot offer the world. In a few years, you’ll be sharing your medicine far and wide, helping women like yourself to confront the pain of their past and alchemise it into healing, growth, purpose, and greater resilience.

You’ll also meet and marry the love of your life, a kind and open man who’ll treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Together you’ll create a safe and grounding home, and from your rooted love, you’ll both rise tall.

So cut yourself free, my darling girl. It’s time to choose yourself.

Love Sarah x”

It might sound odd, but even though I didn’t deserve what happened to me all those years ago, I’m glad it happened. It propelled me onto the medicine path I’m on now. As a somatic coach, therapist, and now founder of a somatic coach training school, I help people metabolise the unprocessed pain of their past, and it’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.

One thing I know to be true is this: our past doesn’t have to define us. It can instead be the making of us.

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