{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

 

My Facebook profile looked pretty interesting when I was in my 20s.

Photos of me in new continents with new people permeated the majority of my page.

I was a solo traveler. A happy woman who loved to write and document stories. A photographer who captured people’s souls—not just their faces. I was everything I had ever wanted to become.

Those who knew me saw the backpack I would hold, but they didn’t see the baggage I would always leave at the airport before setting foot in a new country.

No matter how far I would travel or how deep I would get into adventures, eventually, after a few months, I would find myself at the same goddamn airport picking up the baggage I had left at the door.

And so I would travel back home, holding my backpack in one hand and my emotional baggage in another.

It wasn’t just any baggage, though. It was heavy and messy and I wasn’t ready to deal with what was inside.

But that baggage stayed, right in front of me, for many, many years to come. It was an uncomfortable reminder of what people couldn’t see in my travels or happy face.

I had an anxious attachment and I hid it well. I had a fear of rejection. I had a low self-esteem. I had a fear of abandonment. I was codependent. I was needy and far from being that “independent, solo” traveler.

If I couldn’t attach to a partner or a lover, I’d attach to a plane ticket. If it was my lucky day, I’d attach to both—which, in many cases, was a recipe for disaster.

My anxious attachment skewed how I view dating and love. I was on autopilot mode most of the time, acting in my relationships and dates from a place of hurt. When I met my husband, I had already been feeling shame about my unhealthy attachment patterns. I was tired and sick of that constant need for validation and reassurance. At that time, I started craving awareness and stability. Healing was not that far, but it would take me many more years to get a glimpse of what security may feel like.

My husband had his own childhood wounds and traumas. Together, we faced our demons and walked the path of healing. There were many ups and downs along the way, but the path was always forward—never backward.

We were finally able to share a deep, heart-based connection with each other, but getting there wasn’t easy.

I was only able to genuinely connect with my husband when I realized that he wasn’t and shouldn’t be my everything—and I shouldn’t be his everything either.

In my previous relationships, I would place so much burden on my partner. Because of my anxious attachment, I would always battle with destructive thoughts and fears—such as being rejected, left, cheated on, or lied to. And so I would give and give and put myself last and them first in an attempt to keep them close.

What happens when we give others without limits or boundaries? We automatically expect them to do the same for us. Without a second thought, we assume that they can (and will) meet all of our needs all the time. What happens when they don’t? We break. We feel powerless and unworthy of love. We search for ways to fill the empty void within but fail to do so because the person who’s supposed to fill our cup has just walked away with all our preconceptions and fantasies.

And they must feel awful. We think they may not be so great after all and that they’re not “the one” if they can’t meet our needs, but the truth is they simply feel that they’re not being enough. For those who have dated partners with an anxious attachment style know that no matter how much they’re willing to love and give, they can never give enough.

The moment I realized that my husband can’t fulfill all of my needs is the exact moment I realized how many needs I actually have. And, I have lots of needs…and so do you.

So walking into a relationship or marriage and putting so much pressure on one person must be insane. The solution is simple:

Put yourself first so you can learn how to:

>> Fix your mindset and expectations 

>> Create your own happiness

>> Build a good life with good friends and community

>> Respect how much your partner can give and how many needs they can meet

>> Feel comfortable spending time apart, and

>> Let go of the “he/she is my everything” mentality…please

~