This article is written in partnership with Arya—they want you to stop guessing what gets your partner in the mood and let them figure it out for you. It’s so fun and we are honored to work with them. Next month is my fifth wedding anniversary. (Woo!) My husband’s favorite part of using Arya together was roleplaying and reenacting the fantasy stories they supplied. The inspiration led to a whole different type of oh-so-good, hair-raising pleasure. ~ Kate F, ed

Next month is my fifth wedding anniversary. (Woo!)

The best piece of advice I’ve received was given to me by an elderly couple I met while we were still in our dating phase: in the middle of an issue, ask them what they need from you at that time.

Do they want you to talk it through with them and problem-solve? Or do they simply need a sounding board—somewhere to let the “bad feelings” out?

I carry that with me in every tough conversation to this day because if I know anything at all after five years, it’s that long-term relationships take work. We have to show up every day, continue learning about our partner and ourselves, and, yes, occasionally wave the white flag even if we feel like battling it out to the death. Without these things, it’s difficult (dare I say impossible) to maintain intimacy of any kind–physical or emotional.

In a nutshell: emotional connection and eroticism are essential ingredients for maintaining a fulfilling romantic bond.

This is something my friends at Arya know well. What’s Arya? Arya is the playful intimacy mentor I didn’t know I needed for all things sex and overall connection.

And it’s more than simply a “pleasure box.”

The Arya experience is well-rounded and tailored for each couple from start to finish. Each month you’ll receive expert guidance through sexologist-crafted activities, written content, educational videos, a box of naughty baubles, and detailed illustrations to help you bring your “Scene” (don’t worry I’ll give you the dirty details later) to life.

Arya has a passion for passion (insert fire emoji) AKA guided erotic play, if you will, and they aim to gently pave the way for more effortless conversations surrounding it.

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So, what does it take to stay passionately in love in the modern world?

I know I’m not the only one who has experienced lulls in the bedroom during a relationship. It’s so common it even has its own name: The Coolidge Effect. (sounds chilling, right?) While the term is technically applied to males, the gist is the same for all humans—nearly all people in a long-term partnership will experience “sexual boredom” at some point.

Seriously, though, sometimes life’s distractions–work, kids, and physical and mental well-being—can throw a cold blanket on desire. For me, at the end of a long day chasing my beautiful, mess-making, never-sitting-still toddler, and walking the dog, and cleaning the dishes, and, and, and…I’m just spent. There’s not much left in me, and I’m definitely not feeling primed to set up some grand sex-capade like I used to.

This leads me to my second favorite nugget of wisdom for a long-term relationship—thanks to Arya: The habit of routinizing novelty.

“When individuals experience something new or engage in novel activities with their partner, the brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward,” explains Arya’s Expert, Niki Davis-Fainbloom.

Wanting something new and exciting (like it feels at the beginning of a relationship) doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who’s not committed to your relationship. It just means that novelty is lacking.

At its core, that’s what the “Arya experience” has been for my husband and me. It’s a constant flow of new sexy inspo and videos and toys and questions and conversations and touching and oooooh the anticipation—without the pressure or mental load of having to come up with it ourselves.

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When people think about how to bring more novelty into romantic relationships, they often only think about sexual experiences or opening up their relationships so that they could have sex with new people. But rekindling love in long-term relationships expands beyond sex. “By continually introducing new experiences, whether they’re sexual or not, you’re saying to each other, ‘I’m committed to growing with you,’” says sexologist and Head of Relationship Research at Arya Nicholas Velotta.

Who knew that Arya’s company ideal would end up being something I kept in my erotic tool belt? Not me.

Before we go any further…

Let’s get intimate-ly acquainted & undress the fun stuff.

And by that I mean, let’s touch on the questions you’ve been asking yourself all along: how does it work exactly? What came in the box? What is a “Scene”?

First, I took a (very) private quiz so the experts could get to know me and my relationship landscape. Then, I was able to text my Arya Intimacy Mentor (an actual person, btw) through their “Concierge.” Next comes the ”Scene.” Every month you’ll receive a new Scene guiding you on an erotic adventure, from sensation play to edging and everything in between. And then, of course, there’s the box of goodies that go hand-in-hand with the theme of your “Scene.”

Our first scene was called “Sense.” It was geared toward the art of sensation play and pleasure mapping. I’ll give you a taste of what it was like (wink):

“You begin by slowly stroking your partner’s forearm, your fingertips barely grazing their skin. Slide up and down, never quite touching, but close enough to feel the erotic heat of their body. A shiver of anticipation races through them — they can’t tell where your hands will move next, but that’s what makes it oh-so-thrilling. Their little gasps and moans captivate you, empowering you to do more. Feel more. Pleasure them more. With their every orgasmic quiver, your body responds to them. Your heartbeat pulsing between your legs, getting wet and getting hot…”

Is it hot in here?! Well, let me tell you…it was in our bedroom for a whole week as we played with the contents of our Scene.

The best part, according to my husband, was roleplaying and reenacting the fantasy stories they supplied us with. The inspiration led to a whole different type of oh-so-good, hair-raising pleasure.

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Why? Because it felt so new.

I felt closer to my husband after it as well. It was like we had gone on our own private, sensual journey just for us and we were excited, tantalized by that electric new-ness feeling. This is so important, friends. I had never really thought about it until Arya sparked the thought, but keeping our intimate or sex life unchanged, even if frequent, may result in lower desire and satisfaction over time. It just gets old. (Again, this can be construed as feeling bored of a person/relationship, when really the gears should be grinding toward reinvesting in novelty.)

For me, beyond the thrills and chills in our bedroom, Arya has felt like a weight off my shoulders. I already told you what my husband’s favorite Arya aspect was. Here’s mine: it was exploring sensation play in a way I hadn’t tried before without having to “figure something out” beforehand. The pressure of providing the novelty or putting on a show was eliminated. It was like having a pleasurable meal and the prep work, cooking and dishes were already done. I didn’t have to prepare a million little details or think about how to get from A to B.

Since we knew when the box would be coming, the erotic theme, and when each new Scene was unlocked, it was like the intimacy was penciled into our calendars without having to lift a finger.

I didn’t have to worry about anything; I could just melt into euphoria.

Re-investing in intimacy (sexual or emotional) is one of the most important habits of the happiest of couples and it can also help revive partnerships that are trying to “figure things out.”

So, what is it that people are looking for from their sex life?

In a report done by Arya with over 6,000 recent users, couples were asked about what they wanted to explore with their partner. Three major categories emerged:

Making sex more adventurous (25.3%)
Bridging their sexual desires and kinks (20.5%)
Extending and expanding foreplay (19.3%)

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Often, a lack of perceived safety can be a real roadblock to sexual exploration in relationships. It cuts us off from our other half and closes that ability to dive deeper—into love and sex. And this is really where Arya came into play for my relationship and satisfaction:

Because I felt equipped with information, as well as inspiration, from the box, the “new-ness” of a sexual skill or instrument I hadn’t yet acquired wasn’t daunting or stressful. Arya made it fun. (No…it’s not therapy, but it can be therapeutic.)

So now, here we are–it’s year five (almost) of my relationship. I look back and can see the ups and downs we’ve had. I can see the amazing, slippery sex, the not-so-sexy slip-ups, oopsies, ooooh-yeahhhs, and the everything-s in between. The things that worked in the beginning might not work in the next five years and they may not even be working now.

The difference in how I’m handling it all? The Arya-inspired advice I didn’t have before: “routinizing novelty.” That practice will be tied up (yes, please) and dripped all over our relationship, and it makes me quiver imagining where it will take us. *sigh*

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