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“What’s the role of an ex-therapist?” Meg said to me during our second to last session together.

Meg has been my Dialectical Behavior therapist for the last five years. We started working together when I was at rock bottom.

Together, I pieced myself back together and climbed the ladder to a life worth living.

At this point, our work has winded down as I need a different kind of specialty. For this next season of life, Meg will not join me on the journey and we will terminate therapy within the next few weeks.

What happens next? Do we never speak again? Can I reach out?

The answer to me is incredibly meaningful. To other people with a casual working relationship with their therapist it might not be. For me, it’s all about who is your first phone call—the first person you want to call when something positive or negative happens.

For the last five years, my theoretical first phone call has been to my therapist. She’s the person who will brighten up at my wins and tear up with empathy over the loses. This person has been a linchpin in my life, the bridge from pain and suffering to emotion regulation and self-actualization. I remember her tearing up when she viewed my performance at an open mic night and the way her voice choked up after my beloved pet passed away.

It’s easy to forget that we have a working relationship, one in which I pay her. In the Jewish text, Ethics of Our Fathers, they advise to “buy yourself a friend” when you don’t have one. Is therapy the modern-day version of buying ourselves a friend who we can reveal our souls to?

In the past, I’ve updated therapists when positive achievements occurred but there were no official guidelines set; the responses were normally friendly and brief.  Because DBT therapy is geared toward people with attachment issues, the sensitivity of the treatment modality allows for a conversation around the role of an ex-therapist.

We allow therapists into the most intimate parts of our lives and then upon completion (when all goes well), we are expected to abruptly never speak to this person again. Who does this benefit? Therapists are left to nostalgically wonder about their clients for years after working together. And clients drift away from this once key figure in their life. (Again, this is unless you are one of those people who pop in and out of therapy. Clearly, I am not cut from that same cloth.)

In just a few weeks, I will have to advocate for myself and find a middle path with my therapist as to what happens next between us. Can I message her if I ever find myself in crisis? Would she be willing to do a few one off sessions? Will I be able to update her about the positive achievements in my life?

What exactly is the role of an ex-therapist?

For me, I see my ex-therapist as a landing pad for my gratitude; the gratitude I feel over the life worth living that she helped me build. To me, an ex-therapist is like the dedication page in a book; you are part of the journey that led me here today from the pits of hell.

DBT therapy saves many lives, and as an ex-therapist, you were its ambassador. For that, I attribute much of my future accomplishments to you—won’t you let me tell you all about them?

Guess I’ll find out next week during our last session. I’ll bring the tissue box since we work via Telehealth. Wouldn’t a final hug be nice? I’ll have to settle for a smile just before logging out of Zoom with you for the last time…as of now.

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