{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

 

When I was younger, I desperately wanted to be in a relationship.

I couldn’t contain the innate desire for connection that was within me.

So I kept jumping from one relationship to another and putting Band-Aid on complicated emotional wounds.

The truth is I simply couldn’t adjust in any relationship. No matter how happy I was, after some time, something would go wrong.

I had given up on love long before meeting my husband. All my previous relationships had failed, so it was pointless to keep looking for something that was (obviously) doomed.

Well, as it had turned out, it wasn’t doomed after all. Looking back at that time, I did something different, and it was entirely intuitive.

I would like to believe it is the reason why I’m happily married today.

Although I had given up on love, it wasn’t exactly the problem. Love is a beautiful thing that shouldn’t make us miserable or hopeless. So often we blame it, but love is not guilty. If anything, we are.

The real problem was that I was looking for a relationship. My entire focus was on that space where I could find emotional support, validation, and a sense of belonging. I badly wanted companionship and moments of connection. I wanted to feel worthy and loved. I wanted to feel desired.

However, those desires stemmed from my lack of self-worth and fear of rejection. The more I focused on them, the more I craved a relationship.

Sadly, when we are hungry for attention and want to fulfill our unmet needs, we say yes to anyone who might show interest in us. We might choose partners who are not right for us or who might exhibit the same unhealthy behaviors just because they might, one day, fill our empty cup.

Personally, I had compromised many personal values for the sake of being loved and in a so-called safe relationship. When I met my husband, I wasn’t looking for a relationship; I was looking for a partner.

And that is exactly what you should start doing.

You see, a relationship doesn’t guarantee a good partner. But a good partner guarantees a good relationship.

So stop searching for a relationship to feel loved and instead search for someone who will know how to love you.

The shift is simple. Instead of focusing on how you want to feel within a relationship, focus on how you want to be treated.

Let’s say you have a desire to feel worthy. You might get into a relationship with anyone who might provide you with temporary boosts of self-esteem. Instead of focusing on your need to feel loved, focus on the trait or value that your partner should have so they can naturally make you feel loved and worthy—like a partner who can listen and provide emotional support or believe in the power of healthy communication.

When you choose the right partner, the relationship you desire will automatically fall into place. So please, let’s do the necessary inner work. Even if you are already in a relationship, it’s never too late to start working on what you want.

You can steer your relationship in the right direction right here, right now.

~