{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
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A few days ago, my partner and I had a tough conversation.

Nothing earth-shattering or relationship-breaking, just one of those sticky, repetitive, annoying conflicts that pops up again and again when we’ve been with someone for years.

And no matter how many times we think we’ve moved past it or grown beyond it, we find ourselves getting pulled back in. Each of us playing the same frustrating roles.

I’ve learned to notice when these conversations are happening, and on the good days, I’ve even been able to pull myself out of them before the cycle takes over.

But other times, like the other night—when I was tired and grumpy and physically uncomfortable and short on patience—I notice what’s happening and allow myself to get pulled into the drama. It’s like one part of me knows that arguing about the same thing on an endless loop won’t lead to anything good, but another part of me can’t seem to stop myself from walking straight back into this unhealthy pattern.

And once we’re back in, well…anyone who’s ever dealt with conflict in a relationship knows how that dance goes.

Shortly after our conversation ended and we both chose to go to bed, still annoyed with each other, I came across an Instagram post that felt tailor-made for my current situation.

Surprisingly, the advice I needed came from Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author who shares tips for how to negotiate in every aspect of our lives.

I’m convinced that useful, mindful advice can come from anywhere these days. We just have to be willing to notice it:

 

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The next time conflict arises, my hope is I can interrupt the usual struggle with one (or more) of these questions.

To break the repetitive cycle.
To disrupt the negative patterns.
To get us back into the present moment.
To move us one step closer to resolution.
To help us reconnect when things get hard. 

Because we don’t have to keep holding ourselves hostage in these tough conversations. There’s always a way out.

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