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Narcissism.

There is a corner of the internet devoted to sharing information about this clinical diagnosis that was once thought to be rare.

But the statistics were skewed due to the simple fact that individuals who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) tend not to seek out or attend therapy of their own volition. Further, people can have narcissistic traits without being plagued by a full-blown disorder.

And beyond that, given the proliferation of the use of the term narcissist, which refers to mild levels of selfishness to diabolical manipulation and duplicity, many people overlook the two other disorders that accompany NPD as part of cluster B personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial/Psychopathic Disorder.

All this to say, I have my master’s in Counseling Psychology, the clinical background to recognize the abuse cycle, a strong sense of self—and I have still been charmed by many narcissists.

But for those without degrees in human behavior, there is “Narc-talk,” where a grip of influencers get on their phones, record, post, and regurgitate information about “love bombing,” “minimizing,” and “discarding.” It’s referred to as the cycle of narc-abuse.

The irony of this information storm is that it keeps the focus on the person with the traits of narcissism, which is exactly what they feed on because it reinforces the victim narrative that becomes the creed of such a person. Even worse, disordered people learn pop-psychology terms and weaponize them as a diversion tactic.

The conversation adjacent to narcissism that has flooded the dating pool is that of “childhood trauma” or just “trauma.” The most referenced expert on the topic is Gabor Maté, who has been credited with saying that trauma is not what happens to us—it’s how we respond to what happens to us.

I didn’t hear him say that, so I can’t quote him, but I promise I’ll get to the point of this shortly. However, there are a few things we should consider.

First, are you a narcissist? If you thought, “Definitely not,” chances are you are.

Second, have you been traumatized by an event or series of abuses in your lifetime? If you said no, you are not a human. Western culture is inherently abusive and fosters abusive consumers.

Thirdly, mental health disorders are like landmines in the world of dating, so the nature of how we date will determine the degree of pain we incur from the process of trying to turn a stranger into a mate.

I’m well aware of NATO dating practices, which are just another iteration of hooking up or “not being attached to the outcome.” But there are outcomes to even a hookup. Granted, it’s not like when AIDS hit the disco scene in the 1980s, where friends watched groups of their friends die.

But when it comes to dating, we are in the midst of a different kind of epidemic.

I refer to it as the “Crisis of Existence.” Simply, we have more ways to connect to one another than ever, yet we are as lonely as can be. In fact, like drug addicts, we are addicted to the outcome to the degree that many of us negate the process.

What process am I referring to? The one where we prioritize our mental health and well-being over finding and being with “our person.”

When I look back on my dating history, I see one common factor that led to me risking my mental health and well-being for attention: I was bored.

This word might resonate with you, but I want to clarify why “bored” resulted in me dating every type of narcissist there is: the womanizer, the liar, the drug addict, the verbal abuser, the bisexual Peter Pan, and a smattering of false starts.

For all the information on the internet on the topic of mental health issues, for all the memes about “I’m protecting my peace,” and for the victims victimized by “the narcissist non grata,” I have one question: “Why did you allow this person into your life?”

To my point, my answer was boredom.

Rather than take care of myself, I began to resent that I had to “take care of myself.” This means aspects of entitlement began to shape my mindset. Any single person who is single but does not want to be has the similar experience of wanting life to be different than it is, especially when it comes down to things like having someone to go to events with, help with daily chores, or sharing their day.

The thing is, these very normal desires begin to feel like burdens. Once that feeling settles in, life seems bleak—almost pointless. It’s just one laundry pile after the next, scrolling till late into the night, and swiping through picture after picture of faces of “adults” who most likely have the emotional quotient of a toddler.

Add all those factors together: the burden, the loneliness, the entitlement, the comparison to others via social media or social strata, and it creates the perfect storm of trying to “solve for boredom.”

And we do this by getting on dating apps.

Rather than persist in our self-care, we settle for attention, call it attraction, and then risk our well-being just to not have to endure boredom. The reason so many of us do this, henceforth perpetuating and enabling narcissistic abuse, is that we confuse “peace” for mediocrity. We forget to accept the moment for what it is rather than escape it for what we wish it would be.

In AA, part of the extended serenity prayer is, “…Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.” In other words, to date and be mentally healthy, we need to accept reality rather than live in potential.

The hype of manifesting opens the door to making false assessments about individuals that neither have the capacity nor the capability to be a viable partner. At best, they are a “line of coke,” and hooking up is being pimped for a momentary lapse in peace. Worst of all, we are the ones pimping ourselves, doing the drugs, and then acting baffled as to why dating yields distress.

The truth is we foster narcissism by promoting it rather than extinguishing it via seeking one another through the lens of what we hope we can get from the other person. It’s up to us to relax, practice robust self-care, and actually protect our peace through the accurate assessment that our life is 100 percent our responsibility.

When we date, it should be rooted in our mental well-being rather than trying to escape into a fever dream.

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