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Dear Mr. Harmonious Match Guy:

We talk on the phone, first, which is good. I can tell you are educated, refined, and have a sense of humor.

You’re all in for the first date at a local pub, where we talk for two hours about our jobs and kids and former lives.

On the second date, there is wine and more laughter. You’re excited that I live near you and that this is not like the usual 50-mile drive to the big city nearby for lunch and conversation.

You tell me you were married for 20-plus years and your wife was a go-getter—ambitious and often bossy. The divorce, you say, was “about two months ago, but the separation was for years…”

You sort of hang your head, dejected, and I don’t say anything in response. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the need to say or do anything to “make it better.” I simply listen, but you’re excited and on a roll.

You start on a litany of what you like about me, which seems to be a lot:

You like that I don’t eat red meat and work out every day.

You like that I’m educated and well rounded and am interested in travel.

You like that I have already given you two new ideas on how to bake salmon and make organic salad dressing.

You like my political leanings.

You like that, in your opinion, I “seem like a very good mom.”

You like that I know about most sports teams that you like.

In other words, you like a great deal about me. Then you tell me what you want.

You say, “I’m looking for a life partner, and I’m tired of being alone” (after being married 20-plus years and divorced for two months).

Finally, at the end of your words, you say:

You check all the boxes for me.

You say this as if it is decided—a decree of some kind. Game, Set, Match!

And I don’t respond.

I think about the fact we’ve known each other for about five hours total. You seem like a great guy in many ways, but you’ve said you’re only two months out from your divorce and you have two great kids and I’m such a great mom with my own.

And after a few minutes, I say to you these things:

You seem like a nice person, and I know about you, but I don’t know you. You know about me, but you don’t know me.

I mean, we’ve had some great conversations, but can we keep doing this for a minute? These two dates are the first I’ve been on in 24 years.

You’ve said you’re looking for your life partner, but things just ended with your former life partner, so can we go slow? Slower? Is it possible to not make any grand statements about our status just yet and see how things evolve?

You take in what I say but look disappointed and confused. Are you waiting for me to say something else? Something to help you understand?

I guess what I want to say is I’m not in the business of “checking boxes” for anyone. I don’t need to fill spaces leftover from past relationships or make others feel better about not being with themselves. Talking this way can be a bit rushed for me, so I hope going slow is cool with you.

I want to date and meet people and have experiences, but I want to go slow in terms of deepening relationships—this is the only way I can be truly authentic and powerful and real.

I’m not sure if this checks your boxes, but I am unboxable and totally cool with that.

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