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Before we get into the nitty gritty here, I want to make things perfectly clear.

I’m not advocating for affairs, nor am I removing blame from the “other woman” or “the other man.” Both parties in an affair play a role and both parties play a part in hurting another person or people, due to their deceptive behaviour and intimacy with another person.

But, and I say this will all due respect to the non-cheating spouses, there is no such thing as an external home-wrecker.

The term home-wrecker has been used throughout history in scathing and derogatory ways and usually always refers to women. The “other woman” is always seen as scum. Poison. The mistress an evil, manipulative, and desperate woman, who slithers in, casting a seductive spell on the unsuspecting man, who is, apparently, no match for her villainous and conniving ways, nor her wicked desires. She is the piece of sh*t that forces other women’s husbands and partners to succumb and betray the woman they are committed to. The partner they say they love. She is soulless. Heartless. She is the woman with no morals, self-esteem, or self-respect. She deserves to be ostracised and she deserves to suffer, afterall, isn’t she the cause of another woman’s suffering?

And whilst I’m sure there are a few women that fit this description, I believe the majority of them don’t come close. And if she is all these things, what is he? What description do we give the man who betrayed his spouse?

I was reading a post recently from a woman about an affair she had just discovered. Her husband had been cheating on her and lying to her for months. She wanted to leave. What I found particularly interesting is the couple of comments suggesting she stay and work it out because there were kids involved. One comment even said that she had gone through her own home-wrecking situation with her husband being pursued by a “loose woman,” but she realised it wasn’t his fault and forgave him. Her choice of course, but a blatant example of laying all the blame in the wrong place.

Also, I believe there is a level of conditioning that women be forgiving and compassionate because an affair is different for a man than it is a woman. Which is utter nonsense, unless of course we believe it’s perfectly okay for a man to lie, cheat, and disrespect his partner and get a free pass? Patriarchal rubbish to condone cheating for men and ostracise any woman who does the same thing.

My question is, who actually wrecked the home?

Let’s take an honest and realistic look at this. It’s so often a taboo topic and many relationships that experience affairs pretend they never happened. Sweep the issue under the carpet. Of course some relationships can survive, but they can only survive when there’s truth, the whole truth, transparency, hard work, and a change in the dynamic of that relationship, which requires therapy. Without these things, all you are doing is compartmentalising all your feelings and emotions and they will eat you alive. And the reason the affair happened in the first place has not been addressed, opening the relationship up for future affairs. Trust is a tough thing to regain once it’s lost.

Labelling the affair partner as a home-wrecker is what people do when they refuse to look at the situation with brutal honesty. It’s what people do to try and remove guilt and shame from themselves because a part of them is now questioning why their partner would cheat on them. It’s what people do when they are scared to admit their partner is not who they thought they were and has broken trust, safety, boundaries, belief, and their partner’s heart. It’s what people do who are terrified that the relationship and life they have built is not at all like they thought it was. It’s what people do who refuse to lay the blame where it should go. It’s what people do when seeing their partner for who they truly are is terrifying.

Affairs are complex. Humans are complex.

Back to my question: who actually wrecked the home?

The married or committed partner who stepped outside of their relationship is the one who caused the damage. The married or committed partner who made a conscious decision to engage in an intimate way with another person is the one who hurt their partner. The married or committed person who created a different version of themselves to lead a double life is the one who inflicted pain. The married or committed partner who began lying and deceiving their partner is ultimately the one sabotaging the relationship and wrecking their home.

Sometimes they have genuine feelings for their affair partner and may even love them. Sometimes they are searching for validation. Sometimes they are trying to fill voids that nobody else can fill. And sometimes they simply want their cake and to eat it too. As I said, affairs are complex. Humans are complex.

I read a comment recently that said “if women kept their legs shut, there would be no affairs.” Do we seriously believe women are to blame for men cheating on their partners? What if I said “if men kept it in their pants, there would be no affairs”? What if I said “if men were honest about their relationship status, there would be no affairs”? What if I said “if committed men stopped pursuing other women, there would be no affairs”?

The recent documentary on Ashley Madison was an eye-opening reflection on cheating. They had hundreds of thousands of committed men as members yet they were creating fake female profiles because they were not getting enough women to join. Does that not highlight the issue?

Here’s a thought: a man can say no. He can say “I’m married.” He can walk away. Whether he is the pursuer or the one being pursued, he’s an adult who makes a choice. Let’s stop enabling these type of men by pretending they are not responsible for their own choices.

I don’t want to minimise the pain, humiliation, and hurt an affair causes, but I do want to burst open the double standard. I do want to talk about apportioning blame where it should be directed. I do want to bring to light that sometimes the affair partner is manipulated, lied to, and promises are made to them, because the person cheating wants two people.

It’s really shortsighted to call someone a home-wrecker when the wrecking is coming from inside the house, by the person who sits at dinner with you. The one lying next to you in bed. The one who made a commitment to you. The one who is probably telling you they love you at the same time they are telling someone else they love them.

They are breaking your trust. They are causing you heartbreak. They are making you question your sanity. They are the one you should be blaming. The “other person” is simply a symptom of an issue in the relationship, or an issue in the unfaithful person. Either way, fixing the symptom is not going to fix the root cause.

And the sad and ugly truth is, sometimes it could have been anyone. Maybe it’s been more than one. Maybe the “home-wrecker” is simply one in a line, and the more you blame that other person, the more you condone your partner’s behaviour. The more chance they’ll do it again because you’re too busy directing your anger at a person who never committed to you. A person who may not have even known you existed. A person who may have been told a story about you and your relationship to validate your cheating partner’s behaviour. A person who may have been told to have faith and wait as they are the love of your partner’s life.

Do you see how complex, these situations are?

The person who betrayed you is the one you are in a relationship with. They are wrecking what you have.

I think we need to bring affairs out of the dark and into the light of day. I think we need to lift the veil of secrecy and start being more open in our discussions. I think we need a reality check and to open our eyes to the truth of who people are; rather than blame a stranger, we need to look inside our own homes. I think we need to stop throwing shame and terms like home-wrecker on the “other woman” and start throwing that same shame and home-wrecker status on the person who decided to cheat on their partner.

There will always be infidelity. There will always be a small number of men and women who don’t respect others’ relationships and actively chase married people. There will always be some who get caught up in a place they never imagined being…an affair. And there will always be married people cheating on their partners and even pursuing affairs. I don’t think we can stop this.

Many humans have a hard time being monogamous and we can be as angry and disgusted in this behaviour as we want, but until we stop blaming the other person, which is more commonly the “other woman,” the apparent “home-wrecker,” we will continue the enabling cycle. We will continue to diminish the responsibility and choices those stepping outside their relationship are making.

Stop giving these people a pass to cheat. Stop worrying about the behaviour of other people and start worrying about the behaviour of the person you’re in a relationship with. If they are so easily tempted, are they the right person for you?

One is called a “home-wrecker” and vilified, and the other is often forgiven. I guess it’s easier to hold a stranger accountable than see the truth. I guess it’s easier to blame some external person than the person who is inside your home deceptively and consciously choosing to engage in wrecking their own home and everything you have.

If someone outside can wreck your home, the foundations are weak, and until they are fixed, your house will always be at risk of being wrecked.

The truth, no matter how painful, will set you free.

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