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Today, I wanted to share the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I give myself a lot of credit—I’ve taken a lot of courageous action in my life. I’ve overcome my fear of public speaking and speaking to people; I’ve walked on fire; I’ve abseiled off high buildings and even jumped out at a plane at 15,000 feet.

I sometimes forget to celebrate these things and intend to do it more often.

The most courageous thing I’ve ever done, though, is to sit with myself in silence and feel into what needs to be felt emotionally for my mind, soul, and heart.

My mind, of course, will try and get out of it by saying things like “I don’t have time to do this today,” or “What’s the point of this?” Yet, what I’ve come to terms with is that it’s a defense mechanism from running away from some truly challenging emotions.

I’ve been sitting in silence, with no phone, for 20-30 minutes a day every day with the intention of connecting to my heart for guidance. Some truly challenging unprocessed things can come up though, which need to be felt and witnessed.

What I’m able to go into in these sessions is difficult to describe. It can cause my body to shake and get uncomfortable. Yet, when I do this I find I am able to navigate a lot more to my heart than be trapped in a mind trying to control everything.

When I went on a retreat at the end of 2023, I experienced a world in which I felt trapped. It was like I had pressed away the terror, trauma, wounds, sadness, grief, and things I was sure did not come from my life but from many years ago, like ancestral trauma.

The thing that rescued me was my heart. It taught me that no matter how challenging emotions can get, I can always get back to myself. Day to day there are, of course, things that will get me into a state of mind where I’m trying to control or avoid. Yet, I find I can be my true self, my essence, and my own leader when I connect to my heart.

If I live in a rush, going 100 miles per hour all the time, yes maybe I can shift things forward, but the chance of connecting to my heart is minimal. Finding time to sit in silence with myself each day can be incredibly challenging some days, as it forces me to face my true self in full honesty and wounds I don’t want to look at. Yet, when I do this I can connect to the true me, to my heart—to experience being me with courage.

Much like the feelings I go through, maybe these words don’t make that much sense to someone who isn’t me. But I believe true expression and love is showing up for ourselves.

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