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If you haven’t already realized, the world of marriage and dating has changed over the past years.

Relationships are no longer simply about getting together, saving up, starting a family, and having kids (because this is what society says you’re supposed to do).

People are now realizing they want more. People have realized that relationships are supposed to bring us fulfillment and joy. People are realizing the importance of communication and that there is more to love than just “starting a family.” Our core needs are supposed to be met in a relationship.

Back in the days, a lot of marriages were arranged contracts for class and financial purposes between families. A lot of women did not have choice in who they married. Husbands and wives were sometimes strangers when they wed! It’s crazy to think that this may actually be the first generation that is marrying for love (although I am well aware there are a lot of casual relationships happening too—that’s a topic for another day though).

People are now a lot more conscious about who they are choosing to spend the rest of their lives with. Humans have become more self-aware and are realizing that we are not supposed to do this thing called life on auto-pilot mode. We spend our childhoods and most of our early adult years living unconsciously (living based on our dysfunctional patterns and behaviours we learnt as kids—because it’s all we knew), but eventually we realize there is so much more to life.

As Carl Jung correctly said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

So what is a conscious relationship? A conscious relationship is one where we are self-aware of our actions, words, patterns, and behaviours, and are intentional about how we treat our partners. Therefore a conscious relationship starts within. Our relationship with ourselves will set up the foundation of how healthy our relationships with our partners will be. Relationships can bring out the most growth in us because they act as mirrors. Nothing brings up our triggers more than a romantic relationship will.

Doing the emotional work is essential to making our relationships richer. It is almost impossible for a relationship to be fulfilling if both people are acting based on their unconscious patterns and wounding. I will go as far as saying conscious relationships are the only ones that really succeed—but it’s important to remember that it takes two to pull the weight, it cannot be done alone.

Here are seven signs of a healthy and conscious relationship:

1. There is radical honesty between the two of you.

A conscious relationship consists of radical honesty between two people. And this means being honest about everything: our beliefs, our opinions, our feelings, our preferences. There is no sugar-coating , only pure truth and authenticity. This, of course, goes in hand with good communication. Honesty helps to build trust and intimacy between you and your partner and is essential when it comes to resolving conflict and finding suitable solutions.

 2. Vulnerability is embraced, not feared.

Vulnerability goes hand in hand with putting our egos aside and connecting to our hearts. Vulnerability means we can connect with others on a deeper level—it fosters closeness. Many of us struggle with vulnerability because it means getting in touch with our raw feelings and we don’t really like that! But if we cover up our emotions, this leads to resentment down the road and we end up expecting our partners to “guess” what we’re feeling. Embracing vulnerability deepens our trust in the other person and helps them to understand us a bit better.

 3. Growth is a nonnegotiable.

Believe it or not, humans are designed for growth. We aren’t supposed to stay in our comfort zones forever, nor are we supposed to never change. Life is about growth and expansion and being open to new opportunities and experiences. I genuinely cannot understand how some couples are together for decades and decades and are not interested in growth or change. This is actually what an unconscious relationship is.

All growth in a relationship starts with personal growth. This means putting in the inner work and always aiming to be the best versions of ourselves. When two people put in the inner work, the relationship between them grows as a result. Connection is deeper, communication improves, and the “honeymoon phase” doesn’t die out after three or four months (and it shouldn’t die out in a conscious relationship). Don’t let societal customs fool you!

4. Goals are set together.

Goals give us a sense of direction and purpose. A relationship without goals is a relationship without direction. Goals can give you a sense of if you are on the same page about what you both want in life. Plus, relationships are team work and goals give a sense of teamwork.

Goals will look different to every couple, of course, but they can be things like: aiming to always keep communication open, to make time for fun and holidays, to agree to not discuss work matters at certain times of the day/night. Note that goals shouldn’t feel boring or restrictive or like you are planning every aspect of your life. Goals should feel like you are adding to your life.

5. You accept each other exactly as you are.

Acceptance is a key part of a conscious relationship. Acceptance means embracing your partner exactly as they are. The flaws and all. We all have baggage; we all know that. Many people walk into relationships in the hope of changing the other person. If you can’t love your partner’s flaws then it probably isn’t the right relationship for you. Nitpicking every flaw and trait that irritate us about our partner is simply not healthy.

Note that I am not stating that we shouldn’t want to change ourselves for better. It means accepting that we are all a work in process. This is why it is so important to get to know our partners fully before taking the relationships to new depths. Everything that is important to us should be discussed right at the start with honesty and clarity.

This may sound obvious, but one thing we should never be accepting of is abuse in any form. Acceptance is not about tolerating harmful behavior.

6. You acknowledge each other’s feelings.

This is so important. For a relationship to work, we need to feel seen and understood—especially when it comes to our feelings. We need to feel validated. Even if we don’t agree with the other person’s feelings, we can still validate the way they are feeling. It shows that we are capable of empathy and understanding. It is hard to repair a situation of conflict with someone who cannot validate your feelings. It takes incredible emotional maturity to say: “I can see why you feel that way. I’m here for you.”

7. It feels safe—on every level.

A conscious relationship feels safe because communication is constant, feelings are expressed openly, and we are able to regulate our emotions so that we don’t have explosive outbursts from holding everything in. The most important aspect of a relationship is safety, and so many people don’t realize this. A relationship needs to feel safe physically, emotionally, and sexually. A relationship that is rooted in safety is one that isn’t based on survival mode. We don’t feel as though we need to walk on eggshells around the other person—we are free to be ourselves.

What other signs of a conscious relationship would you add to this list?

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