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Are you still there, God?

I know it’s been a while, but I know you’re still listening many decades after we first communed.

I’ve gotten my period. Had a baby. Lost a baby. I successfully raised a son.

I don’t get my period anymore.

“I must increase my bust” worked miracles for a time. Now my breasts and my drive to impress with my body have softened. Mostly.

“I don’t think a person can decide to be a certain religion just like that. It’s like having to choose your own name. You think about it a long time and then you keep changing your mind.” ~ Margaret

I’ve changed my name many times over the past 40 years. In a greater sense, though, I haven’t changed anything at all.

This is how I know at my core that our identity is fleeting while our essence remains the same. Gifted and Talented. Dead Head. Burnout. Athlete. Mom. Partner. Mountaineer. Author. Friend. Buddhist. Karuna. Kelly Marie. These labels they come, and they go.

Some people love me. Many don’t. Popularity no longer is of interest. Which is a good thing, or I’d be depressed.

I still find myself hooked when I see a good-looking man. Butterflies arise in my stomach after all these years. After many wonderful love affairs and relationships, my boy book is brimming.

Like your friend Margaret, I was an only child. Now I am an orphaned child without a mom for nearly 24 years. This solitude defines me to this day. I prefer it. I know that I am my own home. I am stubborn, but I am never lonely.

“I’ve been looking for you God. I looked in temple. I looked in church. And today, I looked for you when I wanted to confess. But you weren’t there. I didn’t feel you at all. Not the way I do when I talked to you at night. Why God? Why do I only feel you when I’m alone?” ~ Margaret

Some folks watch political debates and listen to the news first thing in the morning. I prefer to listen to You. I feel and see You through the moose in my yard, the sounds of the streams, the clouds floating across the expansive blue sky, and the felt sense of air on my skin. Your messages I receive through our earth feel nourishing and important. I feel them directly in my heart when alone and contemplative.

I do yoga, and I meditate to connect more closely with You. A perky ass at 49 is just a by-product.

Like your friend Margaret, remember how I moved as a preteen? I was so afraid everyone would hate me at my new school. I was sure I’d die upon arrival.

Nearly four decades later, I understand that this time of tween instability simply prepped me for my midlife experience. Those shaky defining moments prepared me to dance with the unknown and face it confidently—a skill that cannot be understated.

That morning, walking shakily into seventh grade in purple pants, a red sweatshirt, and mismatched Converse was my coronation into a life undefined by others. It was the day I stepped onto my spiritual path, which was uniquely mine only to walk.

I know you’re still there God. Thank you for staying by my side all these many years.

Love,

Kelly Marie (Karuna)

PS. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you’re actually a Goddess. Your secret is safe with me!

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