{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

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I know this will upset some people, and if you’re one of them, I’d ask you to self-reflect as to the reason you’re upset. Because if this triggers you, perhaps you are one of these people.

There’s a growing trend of people who like to espouse to childless women, “Who will look after you when you are old?” This is an unhealthy belief that kids will become your caretaker and that without kids, you will not only be lonely, but you will die alone. And that not having kids is a selfish choice.

Interestingly, the childless men don’t seem to cop the same flack.

Newsflash: having kids so you won’t be lonely or to caretake you when you’re old is selfish. Having kids is also no guarantee you will be looked after in your old age.

Of course loving families where children have been nurtured, supported, and where there are healthy relationship dynamics between parents and their adult kids will no doubt see those adult kids support their parents in old age, because there is mutual love and respect. But it shouldn’t be an expectation. It shouldn’t be the reason one chooses to have kids. Birthing kids to become nursemaids is cruel and incredibly selfish.

The world is filled with kids and adults who have suffered and struggled because their childhood has not been a safe environment. People who should never have had children, having kids and either consciously or unconsciously abusing, traumatising, neglecting their kids, or simply being emotionally unavailable and so stuck in their own unhealthy beliefs that they inadvertently cause their kids pain.

The world is full of people working on their inner child, trying to let go of things and break cycles. And everyone else simply doesn’t have the awareness that they need to do some work on themselves. We are far more educated in attachment theory, meeting children’s needs, the emotional stages of children, and what it means to be a healthy parent and raise healthy kids. Unfortunately, we will be supporting generational trauma for years to come because too many people will never change and grow and therefore their kids will suffer.

There are countless parents and grandparents who are dismayed that their adult kids have little contact with them, and they may not have relationships with their grandkids. And whilst there are some adult kids who may be the problem, in the majority of cases, it is the parents that lack the self-awareness and refuse to acknowledge they may be the issue. That they may have not created an emotionally safe environment for their kids. That they may have bullied their kids. That they may have caused fear in their kids. That they may have broken trust with their kids. That they may have created a toxic environment where their kids needed to earn their love and love was conditional. A home where unrealistic expectations were placed on their kids so they could live out their own childhood dreams, breeding shame and guilt in their kids.

If an adult child has cut contact with a parent, there is a reason. There is always a reason.

Children are a gift. A beautiful gift we choose to bring into this world. They don’t owe us anything. They will want to be around us and support us if we’ve loved them unconditionally. I have adult kids and a granddaughter and we have a beautiful relationship. I am there for them and have always been there for them and they are there for me. But there’s no way I expect them to forego their own life to take care of me. But I also have no fear that they won’t be there for me because that’s the relationship I’ve built with them.

Nursing homes are filled with lonely people who do in fact have family. Perhaps some of those relationships are not good. Perhaps these people had kids expecting them to take care of them in old age and their kids never felt truly loved. Who knows what the reason is, but the fact remains having kids has not stopped their lonely existence, and there’s no family taking care of them in their old age.

I think this whole narrative is to guilt women into having kids. To shame childless women. And to suggest a woman’s only worth is in her ability and desire to birth children.

Children are an absolute blessing, if you truly desire and want children. If your reason to have a child is not driven from ego or to compete with others. Your child is not an appendage. They are not to be created to fulfil some sporting or academic role of your choosing. You don’t deserve to be respected, if you don’t respect them. You don’t deserve to be cared for in your old age, if you don’t care for them when they needed you most. You don’t deserve anything, full stop. Children are a privilege and good parent/child relationships are a privilege to be worked toward, to learn together, grow together, to be nurtured and nourished.

Honour your children, and they will honour you.

Some people should never have kids, and that’s okay, because not everyone is capable of being a good, nurturing, and selfless parent. The purpose of having kids is that they are your purpose. Not to continue a legacy. Not to become a doctor or a lawyer to fill some family obligation. Not to fulfil the broken dreams of the parent so that the parent can vicariously live through their success and achievements. Not to bully, guilt-trip, or shame. Not to fill your voids or loneliness. Not to fill your expectations. And definitely not to look after you when you are old.

Kids are individual human beings. They come into this world with their own little blueprint, and sometimes it greatly differs to what you have planned. If you’re not prepared for that, you have no business having kids.

I work on a crisis line and speak to people all the time who are desperately trying to move past their childhood. They carry such heavy burdens and wounds and many have the unhealthy belief that “blood is thicker than water,” that we need to respect our parents regardless. When in reality, this conditioning just prolongs their pain. These people have parents who have abused them. Shamed them. Neglected them. Pressured them with such high expectations, it’s almost destroyed them. Parents who have had their own struggles so were never able to emotionally meet their child’s needs. Selfish parents who parade a stream of partners in and out of their kids’ lives. Parents who give everything but what the kids really need, and that’s their presence and unconditional love.

If you’re thinking about having kids, and their sexuality is a problem to you, don’t have kids. If you’re thinking of having kids because you’re lonely, don’t have kids. If you’re thinking of having kids because you’ll need someone to take you to the doctors and nurse you when you are ill, don’t have kids. If you’re thinking of having kids and you’ve done no work on yourself, don’t have kids. If you’re thinking of having kids but are unprepared for all of the challenges that come with kids, don’t have kids.

The one and only reason to have a child is because you have the emotional capacity and unconditional love to raise a tiny human who will grow to be their own person. And that person maybe completely different to what you envisage. Your child owes you nothing. But if you love and care for them the right way, they will always be there for you.

When we stop seeing children as a commodity, as something to boost our ego, as belongings we can control and demand respect from, as things we own, they will stop becoming collateral damage. Right now, there are far too many kids who are left damaged by having to meet the often unhealthy needs of a parent. By having to fulfil a list of things kids should never have to fulfil. Kids who suffer at the hands of parents who don’t have the self-awareness to understand they are repeating unhealthy patterns and cycles. Kids born to fill a parent’s void and ensure they won’t die alone. This is such a self-centred and disrespectful reason to have kids.

So to all of you who think part of the reason to have kids is to become your caretaker, I say you are incredibly selfish. To bring a child into the world and not want them to flourish and be their own person, living their best life because your agenda includes them giving up part of their life to care for you: shame on you. I pity any child who has a parent with this attitude, and the reality is most parents who think like this will be left alone because they never provided the safe and loving space their kids need.

Children should not be burdened with the responsibility of making their parents happy or whole. They should not be burdened with meeting their parents’ needs. Or fulfilling some unrealistic expectations that their parents are pushing. And they should not be expected to become their parents’ caretaker.

They deserve their own childhood, free from the weight of adult problems and their own lives, free from the weight of what others want. Children deserve to be unconditionally loved for the individuals they are, to choose to become who they want to be, and to walk away from parents who treat them like commodities.

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