{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

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“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.” ~ Gloria Steinem

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Relationships take a lot of work.

A lot of people think that once they enter into a relationship, put a name tag on it, it all settles down then and there. For them, the mere tag is supposed to run the relationship and things are supposed to take care of themselves.

Whereas the reality is that the actual work begins the moment one decides to be with someone and continues as long as the two people in the relationship continue to be with one another. Then, the tag is merely a formality. It actually doesn’t matter.

So what does it take to make a relationship work?

Well, it requires so many things! It needs both the partners to be present with each other in all respects, work on developing emotional communication and connection, learn to have each other’s backs, build trust, make the other person feel understood, heard, and valued, and resolve conflicts in a healthy, mature way that brings them even closer rather than pushing them away from each other.

But most importantly, it needs both people to accept each other the way they are—flaws, imperfections, and the good things combined. It also means growing with your partner, understanding and accepting their different versions that will unfold as a result of their natural growth and evolution, while doing the same for yourself, because when we fail to do that (i.e. accept our partners for who they are fundamentally),  we set ourselves up for a roller-coaster of misery and frustration.

Too often, we fail to build or reflect on who our partners are fundamentally as people or take for granted the fact that they will evolve or become more of who we want them to be as time passes. No—they will become more of themselves and that may not fit our ideals.

And then, the biggest mistake so many of us end up making is trying to change or fix our partners so that they can fit into that idea of how our partner should be rather than looking at who they are.

This acceptance is not easy because, of course, we want our partner to be a certain way, respond to our needs the way we want them to. But there are times when that doesn’t happen. Then, our triggers and frustration get the better of us and we try and force that change out of them.

Here are some signs that someone may be trying to “fix” their partner:

>> Constant Criticism: They frequently point out their partner’s flaws or areas where they feel the partner should improve, often offering unsolicited advice.

>> Pushing Personal Values: They try to impose their beliefs, lifestyle, or preferences on their partner, expecting them to adopt these in order to meet their standards.

>> Lack of Acceptance: They show signs of dissatisfaction with their partner’s fundamental traits, such as personality, habits, or values, and frequently express a desire for them to be different.

>> Frequent Comparisons: They compare their partner to other people or past relationships, implying their partner should behave more like others.

>> Micromanaging Behavior: They attempt to control aspects of their partner’s life—what they wear, how they talk, their career decisions, and so on—to align with their own ideals.

>> Emotional Manipulation: They might use guilt or emotional pressure to get their partner to change, often framing their own dissatisfaction as the partner’s responsibility to fix.

>> Ignoring or Downplaying the Partner’s Needs: They focus more on what they think the partner “should” be, rather than understanding and respecting the partner’s own desires, needs, or boundaries.

>> Conditional Love or Approval: Their affection or approval seems to be dependent on the partner changing or meeting certain conditions rather than being unconditional and accepting of who the partner is.

>> Offering Solutions for Personal Issues: When the partner expresses a concern or issue, instead of offering empathy or support, they immediately jump to providing solutions that reflect how they think their partner should behave or improve.

These kinds of actions often bring down the partner’s self-esteem, create emotional distance and tension in the relationship, and erode reliability and trust.

“In a healthy relationship, both partners support each other’s goals, rather than making their own goals the only priority.” ~ Karen Salmansohn

Hence, it is important to:

1. Focus on Yourself: Reflect on your own feelings, behaviors, and reactions. Self-improvement and self-awareness can bring positive change to the relationship without putting pressure on your partner.

2. Practice Acceptance: Understand that everyone has flaws, and rather than trying to change your partner, work on accepting them for who they are. Acceptance can build deeper connection and respect.

3. Encourage Growth, Not Change: If there are issues, encourage growth in a loving, nonjudgmental way. Support your partner’s personal journey rather than pushing for specific changes.

4. Improve Communication: Focus on open, honest, and nonconfrontational communication. Instead of trying to fix, share your feelings and needs in a way that invites collaboration rather than criticism.

5. Set Boundaries: Define and communicate your personal boundaries in the relationship. Respectfully setting boundaries can prevent frustration from unmet expectations and create a healthier dynamic.

6. Seek to Understand: Try to understand your partner’s perspective, emotional needs, and reasons for their behavior. This will help you empathize rather than trying to “fix” them.

7. Collaborate on Solutions: Work together to address issues rather than seeing it as your responsibility to “fix” anything. Approach challenges as a team, building mutual respect.

And if you feel that you and your partner are fundamentally different and despite all efforts aren’t being able to come to common ground, then it’s best to revaluate your needs and expectations from them and the relationship. Sometimes, some gaps aren’t bridged even with the best of intentions and efforts. Even then, it’s important to accept yourself, your partner, and the situation, and do what is beneficial for everyone involved in the long run.

Relationships are journeys that are meant to be taken together, and sometimes paths don’t align—and that’s okay.

“A healthy relationship allows you to preserve your individuality while experiencing the joy of togetherness.” ~ Paul Carrick Brunson

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