For many of us, the Holidays are the most stressful time of the year.

It’s funny that something supposedly filled with joy can cause an internal stir of anxiety, fear, and unsettledness.

The reason? Most of us will be connecting with family and that brings up a whole slew of possibilities—positive and negative.

Below, I share three nervous system reminders so you can bring a little perspective to your holiday feast. Use these with caution because they’ll teach you a lot about yourself and can stir up change, new points of view, and deeper self-love.

Reminder #1: Family isn’t “everything.”

A few months back, I saw a post from a psychologist about this phrase and it stuck with me.

The post stated that for many people, their family is the worst thing that happened to them, and I agree wholeheartedly.

Our culture is obsessed with relationships, no matter the quality of them. We are bombarded with outdated ideas about the importance of outside connection, regardless of what it does to us mentally, emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

The pressure to be close to family members is relentless, especially at this time of year.

Here’s a mental shift: remember that no one lives in your mind and body all day but you.

You’re the only one in your experience! Claim it, own it, use it.

Your nervous system knows which family members are safe and which ones aren’t, and it’s okay to listen and respond to this intelligence.

Family isn’t “everything,” but I’ll tell you what is: regulating your nervous system.

Listen and notice what happens in your body when you’re around your family this Thanksgiving. That’s your nervous system keeping you safe and alive.

If something feels off, move away from that person and take care of yourself.

Remember that you’re in charge of how you feel because you’re the only one inside your experience.

If someone triggers you, make a mental note and find a way to return to balance. You can find many techniques for nervous system regulation online. Put these into practice and notice how much better you feel.

How people respond has everything to do with them and what their nervous system learned.

Reminder #2: It’s okay to set boundaries.

For a lot of us, setting boundaries dysregulates our nervous system because we weren’t taught it was safe to set them in the first place!

It’s time to change that.

Practice makes perfect, so take this opportunity to practice boundary setting and move into emotional safety with yourself.

And let’s remember that setting a boundary can be for anything that doesn’t feel good to you.

Maybe you ask someone to talk more quietly or not sit so close to you on the couch. These are ways you take care of your experience and your safety.

If a boundary you set is rejected, disregarded, or even mocked, remind yourself that it’s because that person was never taught that boundary-setting was okay for them, and their nervous system is responding with the fight-or-flight response. Remain firm or remove yourself from the situation.

Take some time right now to practice speaking your boundaries. Rehearse what you will say and how you will say it. This will bring up confidence and self-compassion, making it easier to do it when the time arises.

Reminder #3: The only person you owe anything to is yourself!

Your weird uncle isn’t inside your experience.

Your mom isn’t inside your experience.

Your crazy cousin isn’t inside your experience.

Your kids are not inside your experience.

You are the only one who lives inside your experience.

If you want to be loyal to someone, choose yourself.

If you want to be honored by someone, choose yourself.

If you want to be loved, choose to love yourself.

If you want to be accepted, accept yourself.

I know these ideas are easier said than done, but you must take what I’m saying to heart.

We give so much of our power away for the idea of family and what it means to be part of one. But no one in your family is living your life. You are.

Because your nervous system craves safety, it’s drawn to members of our group because that’s what it knows.

Your nervous system hasn’t changed much in millions of years, so receiving acceptance from family is deeply ingrained in you for survival.

But now, you have a choice in who you surround yourself with. You truly do.

Practice choosing the safe people and leave the unsafe ones behind. Now that you know a bit more about why the nervous system draws you to these folks, you can make better choices and rewire your safety settings.

You don’t owe anyone anything; I don’t care who they are or what title they have.

Learn to go off feelings/sensations rather than rules when it comes to familial relationships and connection.

Relationships exist as a mirror, so take note of what your mirror is reflecting.

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I hope these reminders help you enjoy yourself this Holiday season!

Regulating your nervous system and rewiring your safety and receiving settings is the best gift you can give yourself.

Honor all that you are and how far you’ve come.

Your body always knows the truth, so open up to its wisdom, intelligence, and guidance.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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