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Recently, I found myself grappling with an intriguing pattern in my personal and professional life.

While by no means is what I am about to reveal some big secret—it’s one of the oldest human behaviors known to mankind—it’s just that it happened to me for the first time in a long time. And it took me back to my childhood where I remember playing these silly games as kids.

But it seems like the more I try to do my best and be attentive and present, the more I’m taken for granted. But the second I step back and give people a taste of my absence—no calls, no messages, replying to emails and messages (unless absolutely urgent) well after a few days only—suddenly, everyone and their grandmother seem to notice me.

This peculiar dynamic over the past few months sparked a series of reflections and led me to dive into an exploration of why this happens.

See, I’ve always been someone who values being present and supportive, whether it’s in friendships, romantic or family relationships, or work. Yet, I couldn’t help but notice that despite my best efforts to be available and engaged, there were times when my presence felt almost invisible. It was only when I took a step back, intentionally or unintentionally, that I became the center of attention.

This observation wasn’t just a fleeting thought. It was a recurring theme that made me question: why does our absence seem to shout louder than our presence? And why is it that, sometimes, people only start to pay attention when we choose to ignore them?

So, back I went down the internet rabbit hole to find more.

The Mysterious Power of Absence

Picture this: you’re at a party, mingling, chatting, and generally being your awesome self. You’re giving your all, yet people seem more interested in the snacks than in your stories. But then, you decide to step outside for a breather. Almost instantly, people start asking where you went, and your name pops up in conversations. It’s like you’ve become a mythical figure: “Where’s Roops? We miss her!”

This scenario isn’t just about being missed; it’s about how our presence (or lack thereof) impacts others. When you’re always around, you blend into the background. Your reliability and constant availability become part of the scenery. But the moment you’re not there, you create a void that people are quick to notice and react to.

The Psychology Behind the Disappearing Act

So, why does this happen? Turns out, there are specific reasons for these types of behaviors and they boil down to a few psychological principles:

Scarcity Principle: Humans tend to place more value on what they can’t easily have. When you’re always available, you’re just another option. But when you’re not around, you become scarce, and therefore, more valuable. It’s the same reason limited-edition sneakers sell out quickly—people want what they can’t have.

Reactive Attention: People often react to absences more strongly than they do to presences. When you’re constantly present, you become part of the routine. But when you step back, it disrupts their routine, prompting a reaction. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece—the gap is more noticeable than the complete picture.

Confirmation Bias: When you’re not around, people start to remember all the reasons why your presence was valuable. They might think about the conversations they enjoyed with you or the help you provided, which amplifies your importance in their minds.

The Double-Edged Sword of Playing Hard to Get

As much as I’ve enjoyed ignoring people to get their attention, and it has been a tempting strategy, it’s also been a bit of a high-stakes game. On one hand, it has made others realize my value and prompted them to appreciate me more. On the other hand, it can also lead to misunderstandings, create unnecessary drama, and strain relationships. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes on you just to play these ridiculous games as a middle-aged woman!

So when I came clean to one of my friends for my behavior and mentioned why I consistently ignored her texts to see how long it would take for her to reach out, she mentioned how frustrated she got with me. She said, “Roops. I count on you to always do the right thing. So when you didn’t respond, initially I got worried. Then I got pissed off.’” Never mind that she almost always never responds to any of my texts or messages!

But I understood what she said. Her ignoring messages is who she is. My being always available is who I am. And when that life applecart is upset—things go haywire. I guess I realized then that the key is to strike a balance between being present and taking time for yourself without turning it into a manipulative game.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced the power of absence in your own life? Let’s dive into this conversation and see how we can navigate the complexities of human attention more mindfully.

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